Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

ACTOR

  Look the other way?

  FERGUS writes down on some papers.

  FERGUS

  Go to Theseus now. He’s preparing for his journey. What’s your dress size?

  ACTOR

  What?

  FERGUS

  Never mind. He’ll figure that out for you. May Zeus keep you safe, and third time’s a charm.

  FERGUS slaps ACTOR on the back, and ACTOR cringes in pain.

  FERGUS

  Oh. Sorry.

  ACTOR

  It’s okay. I’m fine.

  FERGUS exits. ACTOR, aside to the audience. As HE’s talking, he takes out a dress from HIS bag.

  ACTOR

  I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine at all. I don’t know if you all know this, but Theseus, and mean this in the kindest way, he is out of his mind. Everyone knows the story about the time he killed six “assassins” one after another like it was nothing, right? Those guys were Hittite Witnesses, and all they wanted to do is ask if he had seen the light of the true storm god Tarhunt. I heard he shoved their “good book” up each one of their…you know whats when he was done. But, he is a hero, and I was just some guy looking for a good sidekick job.

  ACTOR looks at the dress and puts it on.

  ACTOR

  The things I do for glory.

  ACTOR goes to the story. He’s crouching and trying to look in the darkness.

  ACTOR

  Theseus? Theseus? Where are you?

  THESEUS jumps up behind ACTOR and begins tickling HIM. THESEUS has gone completely insane in the quest for adventure. HIS mind is fractured, and HE sees every dangerous moment as another opportunity to enjoy life by expressing one’s inner spirit.

  THESEUS

  Here I am! Tickle-tickle-tickle!

  ACTOR

  [laughing] Stop…stop…

  ACTOR stops the tickling.

  Stop that! You want the Minotaur to find us right away?

  THESEUS

  Oh, I’m not worried about him. He’s just lonely.

  ACTOR

  And hungry for human flesh.

  THESEUS

  That too!

  ACTOR

  Theseus?

  THESEUS

  Yessssss?

  ACTOR

  Why are we still dressed in skirts? I mean, I don’t even know why we had to dress as women to disguise ourselves as sacrifices to this bull monster. There were boy sacrifices, too.

  THESEUS

  You see, that’s why you’re not a hero yet. You think outside of the box.

  ACTOR

  You mean inside of the box.

  THESEUS

  Why would you think inside a box? Who could hear your thoughts that way?

  ACTOR

  But you just said—

  THESEUS

  We dressed up as ladies, because they would have expected us to dress up like boys. That’s just common sense.

  ACTOR

  But why are we still wearing the dresses now?

  THESEUS

  Maneuverability.

  THESEUS dances around in a manner similar to jazzercise.

  ACTOR

  We’re going to die, aren’t we?

  THESEUS

  What? That’s crazy talk.

  ACTOR

  Well, you should know, since you’re fluent in crazy talk!

  THESEUS

  We will live! It was my quest to slay the Minotaur in the middle of this endless maze, and that’s what we shall do!

  ACTOR

  Yeah, keep yelling. I’m sure the Minotaur, the thing that’s lived in this Labyrinth for his whole life, has no idea how to find a screaming voice in his own home.

  THESEUS

  What’s wrong, sidekick-person? You seem tense.

  ACTOR

  Can we get out of these dresses and hunt for the Minotaur like real men?

  THESEUS

  But…

  ACTOR

  But what?

  THESEUS

  I’m freeballing.

  ACTOR shivers with disgust. THESEUS dances again.

  ACTOR

  No, don’t do that. Please stop.

  THESEUS

  I’ll never stop. Never! And you can’t make me. Let’s play a game to pass the time.

  THESEUS slaps ACTOR on the shoulder.

  ACTOR

  Hey.

  THESEUS

  Tag! You’re it!

  THESEUS runs away.

  ACTOR

  Hey! Hey! Theseus, you’ll get lost in here if you don’t know where you’re going!

  THESEUS (OS)

  Try and catch me if you can!

  ACTOR

  Theseus! Theseus, you crazy son of a bitch, come back here! [half-beat] Theseus!

  ACTOR sits down on the ground.

  ACTOR (CONT.)

  Fine. That’s just fine. You go run around and get yourself killed. No skin off my back. I’ll stay here, wait for the screams of a crazy man being eaten alive, and I’ll go back home. I’m as safe as anyone can be right now.

  SFX: Bull snorting.

  The Minotaur is to be mimed.

  ACTOR

  Of course.

  ACTOR stands up.

  I suppose you’re the Minotaur, right? You being the guy with a bull head and all.

  SFX: Bull groan.

  That’s what I guessed. Can you do me one favor? Can you wait to kill me until after I take off this stupid red dress? I don’t want my father to see me like this.

  SFX: Bull groan.

  Thanks.

  ACTOR takes off the dress.

  And another thing. After you kill me and eat my body, can you find that idiot Theseus and do the same to him? You’ll find him down that pathway, I swear.

  SFX: Bull groan.

  Thanks. You’re really doing me a favor here.

  As ACTOR moves the dress around, the Minotaur stomps his feet and snorts wildly.

  What? What is it?

  ACTOR realizes the Minotaur is mesmerized by the dress. ACTOR moves it back and forth, and the Minotaur follows it with his gaze. ACTOR gets an idea.

  Oh, you like this red dress do you? You like it a lot, don’t you? Isn’t this just the most beautiful, tempting dress you ever did see?

  SFX: Bull groan.

  ACTOR moves the dress around like HE is a matador with the red cape.

  Okay. You ready boy? You ready boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Go get it!

  SFX: Stampede.

  The Minotaur runs for the dress, and ACTOR moves it out of the way.

  Oh, you almost got it there. Wanna try again? Wanna try again?

  ACTOR moves the dress again.

  Okay, goooooo get it!

  SFX: Stampede

  The Minotaur runs for the dress, and ACTOR moves it out of the way.

  Oh, I’m sorry you missed. Just one more time. I promise you’ll get it this time!

  SFX: Stampede.

  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand get it!

  SFX: Solid rock being smashed and crumbling.

  ACTOR, stunned by the fact that HIS plan worked, looks at HIS handiwork. THESEUS, wearing a skimpy red skirt walks up and looks at it too.