Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

THESEUS

  Cool.

  ACTOR

  You’re back? And alive? And very naked. What the hell happened to your dress?

  THESEUS

  I don’t know. Guess a thread got caught on the splintery door when we were forced into here, and it just unraveled and unraveled and unraveled and unraveled—

  ACTOR

  Do you have the end of the thread?

  THESEUS

  Yeah. Right here.

  THESEUS hands over the thin thread over to ACTOR.

  ACTOR

  We’re saved! Let’s get out of here.

  THESEUS

  Not so fast. I’m getting an idea.

  ACTOR

  What kind of idea?

  THESEUS

  An idea about the future. The future…of clothes design!

  Half-beat.

  ACTOR

  What?

  THESEUS

  Just look at this Minotaur here. This is some of the best cow hide I’ve ever seen. I bet someone would pay a fortune to have a dress made out of this.

  ACTOR

  Are you kidding me?

  THESEUS pets the dead Minotaur, even rubbing HIS face against it.

  THESEUS

  Oh, yeah. That’s money just waiting to be made. Think of all those years of wasting monster hides, when I could have been turning a profit. Heracles had the right idea about that super-lion’s hide, but he didn’t have the determination to sell it at wholesale cost. Think about the money!

  ACTOR

  I’m going.

  ACTOR leaves.

  THESEUS

  And it doesn’t have to end at dresses. Centaur purses, phoenix feather fans, and tree nymph sandals. We’ll be rich, I tell you! Rich! Riiiiiiiiiiich! [Beat] He’s still it. I better run before he tags me back.

  THESEUS runs away.

  ACTOR returns, aside to the audience.

  ACTOR

  I’ll tell you one thing. I was fed up with this whole stupid, egotistical, batshit insane heroes needing sidekicks business. As far as I could tell, the only reason why heroes needed sidekicks was to piss on and feel better about themselves. And I was tired of getting soaked. But…deep down, I still wanted to be a hero. So I went back to the SAG.

  ACTOR goes back to the story. FERGUS enters and sits at the table. ACTOR slowly sits down in front of FERGUS.

  Uncomfortable Beat.

  FERGUS

  I’m trying think of what I did to deserve you. I try to pray to all the gods every time I make sacrifices, but I guessed I missed one, ‘cause only a god would send me such a screw up as you!

  ACTOR

  It’s not my fault this time!

  FERGUS

  Do you know where they found Theseus? Do you? They found him still in that Labrynth, a week after you left him there, and he had set up a shop selling cowhide boots to skeletons! To skeletons! You know how this makes me look?

  ACTOR

  [half-beat] Bad?

  FERGUS

  Yes. Bad. Very, very bad! Do you even want to be a hero, or are you here just to push me over the edge? Because I’ll be honest, it’s not gonna take much more!

  ACTOR

  I’m sorry.

  FERGUS

  Oh, he’s sorry. It’s okay, everybody. I’m the joke of the whole SAG, but he apologized. I feel so much better now.

  FERGUS lays HIS head on the table.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  So. You have another job for me, yet?

  FERGUS looks up slowly with hate and spite shooting out of HIS eyes. ACTOR smiles.

  FERGUS

  Yes. Yes, I do. I have the perfect job for you. [laughs maniacally] Yes, the best.

  FERGUS writes on some more papers.

  ACTOR

  Actually, I…I’m not sure I want it.

  FERGUS

  Huh?

  ACTOR

  I don’t know. This whole sidekick thing isn’t as cool as I thought it would be. I thought I’d be a hero by now. But it’s just not happening, so I’m gonna go back to my mom’s place and crash there until my dad gets too old to date. Thanks for the help, though.

  ACTOR stands up to leave.

  FERGUS

  No! You can’t!

  FERGUS jumps up.

  I have the perfect, perfect job for you. Guaranteed to take you to the top.

  ACTOR

  I don’t know. How good of a job is it?

  FERGUS

  It’s to die for.

  FERGUS chuckles, then laughs, and then laughs out loud. Clueless, ACTOR joins in the laughter.

  ACTOR

  Well, if you’re so positive about this job, then I guess I’ll take it.

  FERGUS

  Good man!

  ACTOR

  Who is it?

  FERGUS

  You ready for this? [half-beat] Perseus!

  ACTOR

  You…you’re kidding me!

  FERGUS

  I kid you not, kid. A spot just opened up, and you’re the perfect fit. What do you think?

  ACTOR

  I think , hell yeah!

  FERGUS

  Good.

  THEY shake hands.

  ACTOR

  I won’t let you down…a fourth time.

  FERGUS

  Uh-huh. Whatever. Just get the hell out of here and go.

  ACTOR

  Thank you, Mr. Fergus. May Zeus bless you with—

  FERGUS

  I said get the hell out of here!

  ACTOR leaves quickly. FERGUS hears something from the back room.

  FERGUS

  Huh? Don’t you worry none. There hasn’t been a single man to survive Perseus yet. Our troubles are over. [chuckles]

  FERGUS exits. ACTOR reenters, aside to the audience.

  ACTOR

  A life lesson. When you do some wrong to someone, and then said person wants to shower you with gifts, smell the air because something stinks. On the other hand, I had just been given the best job possible for a sidekick. To be the right hand of Perseus. Oh-ho-ho, my father would jump off a building if you told him his son Actor was the new sidekick of Perseus.

  Me and Perseus. Side by side. Fighting evil. Kicking butt and taking names. So…I meet my next hero Perseus, and this guy is awesome. I mean awesome. Left and right, women are throwing themselves at this guy, and sometimes they’d bounce off of him and land on me. Good times all around. And I won’t even start on the free food this guy got. After a few days of fun, it was time to go and kill us a Gorgon. Medusa, to be specific. Before I came, Perseus had got these three old witches to tell him where Medusa lived. So, me and him were off to go and kill the Gorgon. Gangster style. Yeah.

  PERSEUS enters with a reflective shield and a sword in hand. PERSEUS is the perfect model for the statue of practically any god. HE’s the guy with the perfect smile, and knows how to make a friend out of any enemy. PERSEUS and ACTOR are walking up a hill.

  PERSEUS

  Walk faster, Actor. We have a creature in need of slaying.

  ACTOR

  You…you remembered my name?

  PERSEUS

  Of course I did. You’re my sidekick. My right hand man. If you’re willing to risk your life for the safety of others, the least I can do for you is learn your name.

  ACTOR

  That’s what I say. Those other heroes, the ones before you, were all assholes. Jason left me on an island to die, Bellerophon screwed up my back and didn’t even say “thanks”, and Theseus? Really? That guy?

  PERSEUS

  Yes, I know of them. But although they all have their faults, they are still men of good deeds, and they deserve our respect. Just as I respect you.

  ACTOR

  You….you’re awesome, man.

  PERSEUS

  I know. I know.

  ACTOR

  Hey, I can see the cave from here. You think Medusa’
s in there right now?

  PERSEUS

  I know she is. Those witches would not dare lie to me.

  ACTOR

  No, I don’t think anyone could lie to you.

  ACTOR, aside to audience.

  Okay, okay. I had a little bit of a mancrush. I’m honest enough to admit it.

  ACTOR goes back to the story.

  PERSEUS

  Be careful. Although she never leaves her cave, she might still strike us with an arrow.

  ACTOR

  Oh, okay. Yeah. Got ya.

  ACTOR tiptoes over to the opening of the cave.

  PERSEUS

  We are here.

  ACTOR

  I’m ready.

  PERSEUS

  Here we go.

  PERSEUS takes a step and feigns twisting HIS ankle.

  PERSEUS

  Ow, ow, ow, ow!

  ACTOR

  What’s wrong?

  PERSEUS

  I twisted my ankle. Oh, it hurts so much!

  ACTOR

  Is it bad?

  PERSEUS

  I’ve never felt a pain like it. I dare say Achilles felt less pain than I do right now.

  ACTOR

  Put pressure on it. I’ll try to find a doctor.

  PERSEUS

  No! I can’t let you do that, my friend. I swore to Apollo that I’d kill Medusa today, and today I must do it.

  PERSEUS gets on HIS foot and limps.

  ACTOR

  That looks really bad.

  PERSEUS

  It’s just flesh and pain. Nothing more. Yet…No, I won’t say it.

  ACTOR

  What?

  PERSEUS

  It’s just…I am injured. I am less than one hundred percent. Medusa is a formidable foe, and if I go up against her, I might die. If I was healthy, I could die knowing I gave my best. But with this ankle, I will die humiliated. But I can’t give up, for I have sworn to Apollo, and I cannot anger the gods. What shall I do? What shall I do?

  PERSEUS fake cries. ACTOR thinks on it.

  All those poor widows and fatherless children, who will protect them now after I am gone? Who? Oh, if only someone could take my place today. Anyone!

  ACTOR

  I will fight Medusa.

  PERSEUS

  You? You will fight her? Why?

  ACTOR

  If I die, then you’ll live to fight another day. The Hero-Sidekick Union lawbook prohibits a Hero from fighting a monster without a properly sanctioned Sidekick. If I am killed, then no big loss. If you’re killed, then who will protect us from Medusa?

  PERSEUS

  You’re sure of this?

  ACTOR

  I’ve never been so sure of anything else.

  PERSEUS hugs ACTOR.

  PERSEUS

  I will never forget this, my friend.

  ACTOR

  I will fight with your honor in my heart, friend.

  PERSEUS

  For the glory of Greece, I salute you!

  THEY salute and then let go. ACTOR enters the cave. However, HE returns right away.

  ACTOR

  Uhm…

  PERSEUS

  Yes?

  ACTOR

  Exactly how do I kill Medusa? I have no idea, but I’m sure you might have one.

  PERSEUS

  Cut her head off. Without the head, the snake’s body shall die.

  ACTOR

  Cut off the head. Right. Okay. Thank you, my friend.

  PERSEUS

  It’s no trouble, my friend.

  ACTOR leaves, but then returns.

  ACTOR

  Uhm…

  PERSEUS

  Yes?

  ACTOR

  Is there anything unique about Medusa I should know about? Like, does she spit venom or anything?

  PERSEUS

  Her stare will turn your body into stone. You must kill her without looking directly at her.

  ACTOR

  I have to chop her head off without actually looking at her?

  PERSEUS

  Yes. Also, do not touch her blood. It is poisonous and will kill you.

  ACTOR

  So I have to chop off her head without looking at her to know where her head is and avoid touching the splatter of blood which is almost certain to splatter in every which way, assuming I do actually cut off her head.

  PERSEUS

  Yes.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  Hmm.

  PERSEUS

  What?

  ACTOR

  I just…don’t see this happening. I mean, I’ll do it. Don’t worry. I’ll still do it, but this seems like a sure death to me.

  PERSEUS

  And?

  ACTOR

  I’d like to, I don’t know, write down my final thoughts. Ponder about the meaning of life for awhile. Sleep with a woman who has more teeth in her mouth than I have fingers.

  Beat.

  PERSEUS

  Are you going to do this or not? My friend. Are you losing courage?

  ACTOR

  No. Like I said, this is almost absolutely going to kill me, and I just want to enjoy life a little bit before I go in that cave and get turned into a lawn ornament. Eat a fresh quince or a few grapes, read a good piece of parchment, the sleep with a woman thing I mentioned before, go to a nice theatre show—

  PERSEUS stops limping and shakes ACTOR.

  PERSEUS

  Shut up and go in there and do it now! I have a time schedule to keep, and this little swan song of yours is throwing me off track!

  ACTOR

  You’re not limping anymore.

  PERSEUS

  What?

  ACTOR

  Your ankle. You’re not limping on it anymore.

  PERSEUS

  I’m…I’m…mad and too full of rage to feel the pain anymore.

  ACTOR

  And somehow this is still too much pain for you to bear through and fight Medusa yourself?

  PERSEUS

  It hurts like a thousand needles poking me in the eye.

  ACTOR

  It looks like you’re trying to bullshit me into throwing myself onto the fire so you don’t have to.

  PERSEUS

  You dare call me a liar?!

  ACTOR

  I don’t dare anything. Your ankle isn’t hurt.

  PERSEUS

  I swear it is!

  ACTOR

  I swear that if you tell me your ankle is actually hurting anymore, I’m going to shove this sword and shield so far up your ass—

  PERSEUS

  Fine! Whatever! My ankle isn’t actually hurt. I was lying to you.

  ACTOR

  And why the hell would you do that?

  PERSEUS

  This is kind of my deal. I get a new sidekick, show him a good time, and then I throw him in this cave to die. He gets an honorable death, I get to live one more day, and everyone’s happy.

  ACTOR

  Happy? Happy?! You think those statues in there seem happy with their current situation? To hell with this. I’m out.

  ACTOR starts to leave.

  PERSEUS

  You dare leave, and I’ll inform the SAG of your disobedience, and you’ll never get a sidekick job ever again!

  ACTOR stops and turns around.

  ACTOR

  Excuse me?

  PERSEUS

  I’ll make sure you never get to be a hero.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  Well fuck you! You know what?

  PERSEUS

  What?

  ACTOR

  I am going into that cave. And I’m not going in there flinging my sword around like a blind idiot. I’m going to use my brain on this one.

  PERSEUS

  Don’t rattle your head too hard. You might smash the pea.

  ACTOR

  Oh, you think I’m joking, do you? Watch this.

 
; ACTOR gets up to the cave and polishes the shield.

  ACTOR

  [to the inside of the cave] I’m a warrior about to risk my life for some dickhead named Perseus, and I’m coming in ready or not!

  ACTOR stomps on the ground a few times and then raises the shield into the hole.

  SFX: A monstrous scream followed by thunderous sounds and cracking boulders.

  ACTOR peaks inside the cave, and then looks at PERSEUS.

  ACTOR

  Problem solved, bitch. Medusa’s dead.

  PERSEUS

  How? How did you—

  ACTOR

  It’s not that hard to figure out. Her stare turns anything into stone. You ever hear of a freakin’ mirror before?

  PERSEUS

  Is she truly dead?

  ACTOR

  Clean out your ears. I killed her! She’s dead! You’re welcome.

  PERSEUS looks into the cave.

  Don’t believe me. Whatever.

  PERSEUS looks at ACTOR.

  PERSEUS

  She’s dead.

  ACTOR

  Told you.

  PERSEUS takes a moment to assess the situation.

  PERSEUS

  And I’m taking the credit.

  ACTOR

  You’re what?!

  PERSEUS

  Think about it. I’m a real hero. I’ve killed hundreds of monsters. Who’ll believe that some little punk like you vanquished something like Medusa? No one will believe you, and SAG will fire you so fast, it’ll make your head spin. You hear me? You hear me?! I’m taking the credit, and there’s nothing you can do about it, sidekick.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  I’m getting you back.

  PERSEUS

  [laughing] I’d like to see you try. Farewell, my friend.

  PERSEUS exits, laughing.

  ACTOR

  I’m getting you back, I said! You better watch yourself. When I swear vengeance, people start going down like rats on a sinking boat. I am a hurricane, and I will blow your house down on your head! ON YOUR HEAD!

  ACTOR, aside to the audience.

  ACTOR

  I may not be the strongest man alive. I may not be the best swordsman alive. I may not be the best archer alive. But I know vengeance. I will burn the house down with me in it if it gets me my revenge. I am one crazy mo-fo.

  ACTOR puts the sword and shield into the bag and gets FERGUS’ hat out.

  So, on to my merry way back to the SAG for a new job. Whooptie-freakin’-doo.

  ACTOR goes back to the story. HE is at the SAG sitting on a chair.

  HE is agitated, yet satisfied with HIMSELF. FERGUS enters. FERGUS is not satisfied at all.

  Long Beat filled with staring and defensive facial expressions.

  FERGUS

  Let me get this straight. According to you, Perseus was going to sacrifice you to Medusa so he didn’t have to die. Then, you show him up and kill Medusa yourself. That’s when he decides to take the credit and blackmail you into silence.

  ACTOR

  Yep.

  FERGUS

  You can’t just shut the hell up and learn your lesson, so you take it to the next level. First, you go to his house and paint in red “Big Legend, Little Sword” on the front wall for the whole town to read.

  ACTOR

  Mm-hmm.

  FERGUS

  Second, you get a herd of goats, about thirty of them, to roam into his house and straight into his wardrobe closet. This was right after you had them eat a bucket of extra spicy chili.

  ACTOR

  Mm-hmm.

  FERGUS

  Third, you steal all of his wine and pour it into the town’s fountain and call for a ceremonial “wet toga” party day.

  ACTOR

  Mm-hmm.

  FERGUS

  Fourth, and the most impressive, you spike Perseus’ drink to get him to fall asleep, and then you tie him upside-down, naked, underneath a donkey. And on that donkey you put a sign that said, “Mind your own business!”

  ACTOR

  Yes.

  FERGUS

  That donkey walked that city for two days before someone cut him free. Do you realize that?

  ACTOR

  I thought I’d get three.

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  Why do you hate me?

  ACTOR

  I don’t hate you.

  FERGUS

  I admit I sent you to Perseus knowing he’d probably kill you, but do I deserve all this crap you keep throwing my way? I’m almost willing to throw myself into the pits of Hades just to get away from you. What can I do to get you to leave here and never come back?

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  How about you give me a real sidekick’s job?