Losing Time Read online



  The Mighty Samurai

  and the Evil Bird Demon Etsushi

  By

  Justin Blasdel

  Justin Blasdel

  1/17/11

  Version 4

  [email protected]

  Characters

  Narrator: The Wise Old Man

  Tatsuya Nakadai: The Mighty Samurai

  Tadao Nakamaru: The Courageous Monk

  Etsushi: The Evil Bird Demon

  Akira Hoshi: The Needy Lord

  Nami Hoshi: The Beautiful Daughter

  Yuriko Hoshi: The Ugly Daughter

  Shigeru Kôyama: The Beastly Ogre

  Shin Kishida: The Sly Ninja

  Maki Asakawa: The Deceitful Ghost

  Voice 1: Stagehand

  Voice 2: Buddhist Monk

  Time

  The Time of the Legendary Samurai

  Place

  Mystical Japan

  Production Notes:

  Although there are ten on-stage characters, this play was designed so that only four actors are needed. In fact, much of the humor is dependent upon this. My suggestion is that one actor plays the NARRATOR, another play TADAO and SHIN, another play TATSUYA, SHIGERU, and YURIKO, and the fourth play ETSUSHI, HOSHI, NAMI and MAKI. The third actor should be male, the fourth female, and the first and second can be played by either. This is again for humorous effect (e.g., the strong figure of TATSUYA being just as big and strong for the role of YURIKO). In order to separate the characters, the NARRATOR, ETSUSHI, HOSHI, YURIKO, SHIGERU, SHIN, and MAKI should be performed wearing masks of a style similar to traditional Noh Theatre.

  Japanese pronunciation of names is difficult, because there is no stress on any syllable. A good way to correctly pronounce each name is to put a stress on the first syllable and the last. Growl these stresses if the actors find this difficult to do. This way, tat-SUY-a becomes TAT-suy-A (Overall, making it sound monotone; tat-suy-a). I suggest only doing this with names, for a play in English with every word like this would be unbearable.

  NARRATOR is also the percussionist for this play and will sing and play instruments in a manner similar to traditional Kabuki or Noh theatre music. When the NARRATOR must yell/sing (I suggest listening to the music to know exactly what this guttural shout sounds like), the symbol *@ will be shown.

  In the first scene, the NARRATOR will be dancing in the style of Kabuki and Noh Theatre. I suggest the song "Ataka Noi Matsu [The Pine Tree at Ataka]" by Ensemble Nipponia to be played during the performance.

  ACT I

  At Beginning:

  SFX: Kabuki Theatre Music (song suggested in Production Notes)

  The lights rise, the music plays, and the NARRATOR slowly enters.

  NARRATOR is a wise, cantankerous old man who needs to share his stories with those who will listen. HIS stories take on a life of their own, as if HE had actually lived in every one of them...and perhaps HE has.

  To stage left, there should be an area designated for percussion instruments. There will be a gong, two blocks of wood, chimes, drums, maracas, ukulele, a sheet of metal (wind SFX), a kazoo, and a wood flute (or recorder) neatly centered around a single cushioned seat on the floor.

  The NARRATOR slowly moves one step in front of the other in a straight path. HE leans on a walking stick as HE moves, revealing a practiced pain in aged mobility. HIS movements are graceful, fluid, and incredibly expressive, just as a character in a Noh play. Once reaching upstage-center, HE turns 90 degrees towards Downstage and continues. Halfway there, HE stops. HE lifts up HIS staff, bends HIS knees, and slowly swings it from right to left, pointing it at the audience. Once HE is pointing Stage Left, HE points it at the sky. HE moves in a circle, looking up at the heavens the whole time. After moving 360 degrees, HE puts the stick down and leans on it. HE moves HIS other hand to wipe off the sweat from HIS face. HE looks up at the sun, and then HE looks down at the ground and shakes HIS head. HE looks back up, lifts up HIS staff, and then--

  SFX: The music suddenly stops.

  Beat.

  The NARRATOR is confused for a moment, but HE repeats lifting up HIS staff.

  Beat.

  NARRATOR repeats lifting up HIS staff.

  Beat.

  NARRATOR repeats lifting up HIS staff.

  Beat.

  NARRATOR drops the serene dance/ac, and turns to backstage.

  NARRATOR

  What is the problem?! Where is my music?

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  Dude, the stereo broke.

  NARRATOR

  Then fix it!

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  I can't fix it, man. I'm not a stereo mechanic.

  NARRATOR

  What am I supposed to dance to? I can't dance with no music, and I can’t make music when I dance. I can’t do everything! I may do this for free out of the kindness of my heart…and to escape my very, very horny wife-- but this is ridiculous!

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  I'm sorry, but I don't play music other than wailing on my axe. You can borrow my iPod if you want.

  NARRATOR

  Wha--...What good will that do? The music's for them!

  NARRATOR points to the audience.

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  Looks like you're S-O-L, man.

  NARRATOR

  [Mumbles] I'm S-O-L, I"ll show you S-O-L with my F-O-O-T up your B-U-T-T. (to audience) We are having some technicalibration problems. I’m so sorry, but you don't get to see the rest of my dance.

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  Sorry.

  NARRATOR

  The idiot's sorry, too.

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  Hey.

  NARRATOR

  Shut up! [to audience] Now, I have great story to tell today. I don't tell it every day, because it's special. Special stories must be told on special days. And today is a special day. It is the anniversary of the Nakadai Clan. The Nakadai Clan...[to a specific audience member]. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes you, the ugly one. Bring me that empty seat. My back hurts. [half-beat] Chop-chop, hurry it up! I don't have all day.

  The audience member brings chair for NARRATOR.

  NARRATOR

  Put it right there. Okay, now get!

  The audience member sits back down. NARRATOR eases HIS body onto the seat.

  NARRATOR

  Ahhh! Thank you. Many blessings upon your very slow feet. [to audience] You all know of the Nakadai Clan, yes? [half-beat] No!! Are you goats? If you were goats, I would not blame you for not knowing the Nakadai Clan. Well, goats, the Nakadai Clan is the most respected, peaceful, honorable Clan in Japan. Every Nakadai who leaves home, returns a hero. But, it was not always this way. No, the first Nakadai, over two hundred years ago, was a failure. Two hundred years ago, I was alive to hear this story.

  VOICE 1 (OS)

  So…you’re like, what? Over two centuries old?

  NARRATOR

  I look good for my age.

  VOICE 1(OS)

  [laughs] Whatever, dude.

  Beat.

  NARRATOR

  Yes, TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO, he failed himself and dishonored his family, but he would not die dishonored. No, he bravely went into the world and made himself a legend. A legend! You hear me, goat-people? A legend! Today, today is the anniversary of his quest. Now, I will tell it to you.

  NARRATOR stands up.

  Beat.

  NARRATOR

  Well...take the chair back. I'm not using it anymore. Chop-chop!

  The audience member takes back the chair. Narrator shakes HIS head at the audience.

  NARRATOR

  You can't get good help these days. [to VOICE] Right, Idiot?!

  VOICE 1

  What?
>
  NARRATOR

  [to audience] I've taken enough of your time. You all want to go back to eating grass and pooping on everything, don’t you? Goats! Well, the story begins at a holy place. By holy, I mean they served sake. And so, the legend...of Tatsuya Nakadai...begins.

  NARRATOR moves to sit down by the musical instruments. However, HIS aging back makes it a slow progression towards the earth.

  NARRATOR

  Ohhh! My back! Curse me for marrying a woman who is a warrior in the sack! Ohhhh! [to VOICE 1] Don't worry about the old man. I'm fiiiiine! Idiot.

  NARRATOR grabs a gavel and hits the gong. The lights dim for transition of scenes with a spotlight on the NARRATOR (or at least enough light so that HE can be easily seen). This will be the same for every scene transition.

  NARRATOR plays some notes on the ukulele that sounds as similar as possible to a traditional Japanese melody.

  NARRATOR (CONT.)

  A weary soul rests.

  From the wind, one more soul comes.

  Sake makes them friends.

  The scene shifts to a bar in a nearly desolate town. There are two chairs. On one sits TATSUYA, blubbering loudly and pathetically, with a sword at HIS side.

  TATSUYA is a samurai to HIS very soul. Honor, Dishonor, these two things control his every action. With honor, HE is a proud warrior capable of crushing mountains. Without it, HE is a crippled tiger who dreams of better days. Today, HE lives in dishonor.

  Enter TADAO with staff in hand, looking tired from travels, yet still upbeat.

  TADAO is a failed monk. While HE lives to promote wealth and happiness to all those around, HE is a coward and lascivious. Cursed by these two unfortunate traits, HE searches the world for a peaceful existence...surrounded by pretty women, of course.

  TADAO looks around the bar for the owner. HE notices TATSUYA. TATSUYA looks up at TADAO. TADAO smiles and bows, but TATSUYA goes back to blubbering. TADAO looks for the bartender again. NARRATOR stops playing ukulele.

  TADAO

  Customers! You have customers! Very tired and rich...

  TADAO jingles the change in HIS pocket.

  TADAO

  Well...paying customers! Service?

  TATSUYA

  He...he ran out of sake.

  TADAO

  Did you drink it all?

  TATSUYA

  He went to get more.

  TADAO

  How long will that take?

  TATSUYA

  A week.

  TADAO

  A week?! Is he making it himself?!

  TATSUYA

  Yes.

  TADAO

  Oh. I better sit down if I'm going to be here for a week.

  TADAO sits down.

  TADAO

  I am Tadao Nakamaru. [Bows head]

  TATSUYA

  I am...I am...

  TATSUYA blubbers again. TADAO, not having any idea of what to do, pats TATSUYA on the shoulder. TATSUYA grabs TADAO and cries loudly into TADAO's chest. TADAO awkwardly pats TATSUYA on the back.

  TADAO

  There...there. It's okay if you don't remember your name.

  TADAO desperately looks around for the bartender or anyone for that matter. TATSUYA lets go of TADAO.

  TATSUYA

  I don't dare say my name. I am a dishonored samurai. A ronin. A coward! A disgrace!

  TADAO

  Being a disgrace isn't so bad.

  TATSUYA

  I have failed my lord. I have failed my family. I have failed myself. Here!

  TATSUYA takes HIS sword and puts it in the hands of TADAO.

  TATSUYA

  Here! Take my sword. Run me through! I do not have the strength to kill myself.

  TADAO

  What makes you think I do?

  TATSUYA

  Please, end my suffering!

  TADAO

  I can't do that! I'm a monk.

  TATSUYA

  A monk? Please, forgive me.

  TATSUYA is on HIS knees and pulls at TADAO.

  TATSUYA (CONT.)

  Cleanse me of my dishonor! Cleanse me! CLEANSE ME!

  TADAO

  You're cleansed! You're cleansed!

  TATSUYA

  Thank you! Thank you! [stands up; to downstage] Everyone, hear me. I have been cleansed by this monk! I have been officially cleansed of my past!

  TADAO

  Well...I'm not an official monk.

  TATSUYA

  You're what?

  TADAO keep a firm hold on the sword.

  TADAO

  I'm not officially a monk. I...quit.

  TATSUYA

  I am forever a failure. Only I could ask a retired monk to forgive me.

  TADAO

  Actually, I quit before they made me a monk, so I was never really a monk.

  TATSUYA kneels on the ground and blubbers again.

  TADAO

  Hey. Hey. I'm sorry I lied to you, but everything's going to be okay. Sit up on your chair.

  TADAO helps TATSUYA sit up on the chair.

  TADAO (CONT.)

  Here's your sword. [Hands sword over.] And tell me what's wrong. Why are you dishonored?

  TATSUYA

  I am dishonored!

  TADAO

  Yes. I know. Please tell me why. I bet it will make you feel better.

  TATSUYA wipes the tears and snot off of HIS face.

  TATSUYA

  Okay. I will tell you. I will tell you of my disgrace, from one failure to another.

  TADAO

  I didn't fail. I quit. But it doesn't matter. Tell me your story.

  TATSUYA

  My name...is...Tatsuya Nakadai!

  NARRATOR strikes the gong.

  TADAO gasps.

  TATSUYA

  You have heard of me.

  TADAO

  No. Sorry. That gong scared the bejesus out of me.

  TATSUYA stands and speaks to the stage.

  TATSUYA

  I was once a proud samurai. I served my lord dutifully. All his enemies, I ended their lives at the tip of my blade. I swore to him I would destroy any man, beast, or demon he ordered me to kill. And so, one day, he ordered me to go to a dark, ancient, evil cave. A cave so deep, it opens to the pits of hell. He ordered me to slay the Green Bird Demon, Etsushi.

  TADAO stays in HIS seat while TATSUYA re-experiences the past. TATSUYA is proud, strong, and seemingly invincible. HE holds his sword with a strong hand and a keen eye. HE walks around the cave, searching for ETSUSHI. NARRATOR claps the two blocks of wood together in a slow rhythm.

  ETSUSHI (OS)

  Who has entered my dark home?

  Why here does a human roam?

  TATSUYA

  It is I, Tatsuya Nakadai. I am the legendary samurai, and I am here to slay you!

  ETSUSHI (OS)

  [laughing] You're here to vanquish me?

  Ha! I must fully disagree.

  TATSUYA

  My lord has ordered your death. Come out of the shadows. Fight with honor.

  ETSUSHI (OS)

  I'll do so if you wish it.

  You'll soon regret your visit.

  NARRATOR puts down the blocks and strikes the gong. *@

  ETSUSHI enters. HE is a terrifying demon that has flown straight up from the mouth of hell. HE takes a special delight in punishing the prideful, and TATSUYA is just HIS type.

  NARRATOR drums in a 2-1 beat.

  ETSUSHI walks similarly to that of an ostrich; head bobbing back and forth, never staying still.

  ETSUSHI

  My feathers, soaked in man's blood.

  The color, red as rosebuds.

  My sharp claws, black as midnight.

  None escape them, try though they might.

  My long beak, sharp as the sword.

  Please, try to entertain me, and don't keep me bored.

  TATSUYA

  I wil
l slay you without mercy. Defend yourself!

  TATSUYA raises HIS sword, and ETSUSHI spreads HIS wings. The time span of this sword swing is slowed down for the audience, and NARRATOR quickly beats on the drums.

  *@

  TATSUYA, yelling in a deep pitch, slowly swings HIS sword and tiptoes over to ETSUSHI's location. ETSUSHI, yelling in a slightly higher pitch, tiptoes out of TATSUYA's swipe with incredible speed (normal speed to the audience). THEY go back to normal speed, and NARRATOR drums in a 2-1 beat.

  ETSUSHI

  I’m so sorry that you missed.

  Try once more, I must insist.

  TATSUYA

  I will not miss again!

  TATSUYA swipes at ETSUSHI, and again ETSUSHI dodges the attack in slow motion and with the NARRATOR quickly beating the drums the entire time, slowing back down to the 2-1 pattern after.

  TATSUYA

  Stop dodging me! Fight like a man.

  ETSUSHI

  If a man I were, I would.

  I'm a demon, understood?

  TATSUYA swipes at ETSUSHI in slow motion, and again the drums are quickly played. This time, when ETSUSHI dodges the attack, HE hits TATSUYA in the back. NARRATOR strikes the gong.

  *@

  TATSUYA groans (in slow motion) and falls down on the ground.