Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

ACTOR

  That’s not what I said at all. My name is—

  BELLEROPHON

  This here is no stick! It is the same spear I used to kill the Chimera, the beast that breathed fire and spit poison.

  ACTOR admires the spear.

  ACTOR

  Cool! It’s still stained with blood.

  BELLEROPHON

  You can’t stand in mud?

  ACTOR

  No, I said—

  BELLEROPHON

  Neither can I! It gets between your toes, ruins your sandals, and makes you go “squish, squish” wherever you walk.

  ACTOR

  This is amazing. I’m talking to the Bellerophon!

  BELLEROPHON

  What? What did you say?

  ACTOR

  I said, where are we going, sir?

  BELLEROPHON

  The winds are blowing up a stir? Don’t mind them, boy. Where I’m going, I won’t have to worry about them ever again. I’m going above the winds today. All they way to the top.

  ACTOR

  You mean…you’re going to ride Pegasus today?

  BELLEROPHON

  No. Are you insane? I’m going to ride Pegasus today. What’s this talk about a bus in May?

  ACTOR has to think about it for a moment, but then shakes HIS head.

  BELLEROPHON

  I am going on a journey. My very, very last one. One that will immortalize me forever.

  ACTOR

  What beasts are we going to kill today?

  BELLEROPHON

  There’s no time for a feast of parfait. I’m going on my very last journey. Are you even hearing me?

  ACTOR nods.

  BELLEROPHON

  Today, I fly all the way to the top. All the way.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  You mean, to Olympus?

  BELLEROPHON

  No. To Olympus.

  ACTOR

  Aaaaare you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, that sounds like the kind of thing the gods generally get mad about. You know, uninvited guests and all.

  BELLEROPHON

  Huh? What are you saying, boy? Speak up!

  ACTOR

  I said, are you sure that’s a good idea?!

  BELLEROPHON

  You look scared. You don’t think this is a good idea do you? Think the gods will strike me down, don’t you?

  ACTOR

  Well, yeah—

  BELLEROPHON

  Well I don’t! I’ve given my life to them and succeeded every task they gave me. I deserve to live with the gods now.

  ACTOR

  I won’t argue that you deserve a lot, but…I’m not sure flying onto the doorstep of Olympus and demanding a room is going to go over that well.

  BELLEROPHON

  Mumble, mumble, mumble. That’s all you do is mumble. Why did they send me a mumbler? They know I have bad ears!

  ACTOR

  ZEUS IS GOING TO CURSE YOU IF YOU DO THIS! He’s the kind of guy who throws entire mountains on top of family members! You should really think this over.

  BELLEROPHON

  Bagh! What do you know? Mumbler! [to the air] Pegasus! Pegasus!

  ACTOR looks above and moves to dodge the landing winged horse.

  SFX: Neighing horse and hoof stomps.

  PEGASUS' presence is to be mimed.

  ACTOR

  Piety on a crap stick! That’s…that’s….that’s—

  BELLEROPHON

  It’s Pegasus. His name is Pegasus, you mumbler. [to PEGASUS] Okay, boy. Get into the position. We’re going all the way up.

  PEGASUS doesn’t move.

  BELLEROPHON

  What’s wrong Pegasus. Giddy up! [half-beat] Pegasus, you do this, or I’ll snip those wings right off! You get me? [Beat] Okay. Get into the position.

  BELLEROPHON tries to get on top of PEGASUS, but HIS aged body makes it a pathetically humorous scene.

  ACTOR

  You need any help?

  BELLEROPHON

  No! I need you to help me. Come on. Move it, move it, move it!

  ACTOR quickly moves to help BELLEROPHON. BELLEROPHON is incredibly heavy, and ACTOR feels the pain.

  BELLEROPHON

  Ah, there we go. Okay, you…you…whoever you are. You tell everyone I went to live in the clouds.

  ACTOR

  Sure. I’ll do that for you. Have a nice trip. See you next fall.

  PEGASUS can be voiced OS or by the actor playing BELLERPHON.

  PEGASUS

  [neighs] Dude, you know he shouldn’t do this, right?

  ACTOR

  Wha…what?! You can talk? Pegasus can talk?

  BELLEROPHON

  What’s going on down there?

  PEGASUS

  Yeah. I don’t like people to know it, but I can. Listen, if I go up with this old fart on my back, he’s coming down all on his own. You got me?

  ACTOR

  You’re going to drop him?!

  BELLEROPHON

  You have a sugar cube in your pocket or something, boy? Come on, Pegasus, let’s go!

  PEGASUS

  Let’s just agree that…I got bit by a gadfly and instinctively bucked him off. You cool with that?

  ACTOR

  What?

  BELLEROPHON

  Pegasus, you go now or I’m gonna take you to the vet and turn you into a gelding!

  PEGASUS

  Okay, man. I’m off. That’s the last straw. Thanks for going with me on the story. I owe you one. [neighs]

  PEGASUS runs off.

  BELLEROPHON

  Off I go to the heavens. Tell my wife…to burn in Hades! [laughs]

  ACTOR looks up in the sky and watches BELLEROPHON fly up.

  ACTOR

  Oh, man. This is not good. Not good at all.

  ACTOR witnesses BELLEROPHON being bucked off.

  ACTOR

  Oh, crap. He’s falling! What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

  ACTOR breaks the scene and talks to the audience. HE puts the beard in the bag.

  ACTOR

  Let me give you a little bit of advice, folks. When a man is falling from the heavens, the worst split-second idea you can have is trying to catch him. I’m going to skip the next part if you don’t mind. I still get a pain in my back when I look at an old, deaf man or a horse that looks like he’s a bit too shifty-eyed for my taste. Well, after I caught him, Bellerophon’s fall was the talk of the town. He never got another gig after that. But I was still determined to be a great sidekick and eventually be a legendary hero myself. How else could I afford the weekly back therapy sessions?

  ACTOR reenters the SAG, holding HIS aching, severely injured back. HE limps HIS way back to the chair. FERGUS enters, waiting at the chair for ACTOR.

  FERGUS

  How are things? They good?

  ACTOR

  I—

  FERGUS

  Don’t talk. Listen. I give you a job, out of the kindness of my heart, and you fail. That’s fine. No one’s perfect. Then, I set you up with a legendary hero, or what I call him, an old fart, and you screw that up too. You have any idea how much that guy’s going to get from his union’s insurance?

  ACTOR

  I—

  FERGUS

  No! You don’t. Why the hell did you try to catch him? If he died, at least we could cancel his weekly retirement check.

  ACTOR

  I—

  FERGUS

  Tell me why, if you can, why I should give you another job.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  I…[half-beat]

  FERGUS

  Go on.

  ACTOR

  I—

  FERGUS

  Okay. I understand. You’re just some kid who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. We’ve all been there. [breathes] I got you another hero.

  ACTOR

  You d
id?! Thank—

  FERGUS

  Don’t you thank me yet. You don’t even know who you’re getting.

  ACTOR

  Who am I getting?

  FERGUS

  Theseus.

  ACTOR

  Alright! I got…Theseus? Is he still alive?

  FERGUS

  Yes.

  ACTOR

  Is he still dressing like…you know?

  FERGUS

  I don’t ask, and he doesn’t tell. He’s going on some half-crazed mission to save Athens again, and you’re going with him. If he asks you to die for his cause, what do you say?

  ACTOR

  Uuuuuh, sure. I mean, yes.

  FERGUS

  And if he’s about to die and can only be saved as a cripple, what do you do?

  Beat.