Are You Human? Read online

Are You Human?

  By

  Justin Blasdel

  Justin Blasdel

  12/11/08

  Full Version 2

  [email protected]

  Characters

  Daniel Mason; early 30’s, socially awkward genius

  Tobias Delsoto; late 30’s, a good friend

  Judy Wetsworth; early 20’s, Wife-Bot

  Carolina; late 20’s, Sex-Bot

  Mr. Jones; 30’s, Lawer-Bot

  Sophie Russo; mid 20’s, slam poet

  Candy; 20’s, old model Sex-Bot

  Katy Angeles; early 20’s, prostitute

  Crowd; Scene 1.4, 2.5, and 2.7

  Computer: O.V., forever pleasant

  Time

  The Year 2035

  Place

  Seattle; Technological Wonder City

  Production Notes: Although this play is set in the future, there is no real reason for an expensive stage to express this. If kept minimalistic and pristine, this should help the audience with the transition. Also, Slam Poetry was founded by Dub Poetry, and is a performance as well as a reading, similar to the monologue.

  Are You Human?

  ACT I, SCENE I

  It is an office with two desks with a computer monitor and chair for each, but only DANIEL’s has a keyboard and a mouse. Unlike cubicles, it is an open floor.

  DANIEL, an irritable over-thinker, has eccentricities that unnerve most people, but HIS passion and intelligence mesmerizes those patient enough to listen to HIS rants.

  DANIEL enters.

  DANIEL

  Computer, lights on, desks on.

  The room and the desk monitors light up, and there is an electronic voice spoken from above.

  COMPUTER

  Good morning, Mr. Mason. Today’s date is February second of 2035. Have a great day.

  The voice annoys DANIEL, as IT does every day.

  TOBIAS DELSOTO is a fun-loving guy who sees life as a time for adventures, never taking time to sweat the small stuff.

  TOBIAS enters with a sore hip and a huge smile.

  TOBIAS

  Hello, heeeeello! How are you doing, Danny Boy?

  DANIEL

  You know I prefer Daniel. What happened to you?

  TOBIAS

  That’s the wrong question. “What didn’t happen to me?” That’s what you should ask.

  DANIEL

  Okay, what didn’t--

  TOBIAS

  --I spent last night with a hooker.

  DANIEL

  Congratulations? Do Seattle police officers allow prostitutes to roam the streets these days?

  TOBIAS

  No, no, no. I didn’t pick up some stray from the road.

  DANIEL

  Oh, so you went to an establishment. That’s probably healthier.

  TOBIAS

  What? No, I didn’t go to a call-house, but good guess. My usual drinking hole keeps adjusting the prices of girls according to their customer feedback. I’m not a believer in haggling, so I rented a Sex-Bot instead.

  DANIEL

  You rented an android for physical pleasure?

  TOBIAS

  Yep. To tell the truth, I kind of like the Sex-Bots a little more than the real deal. No surprises, you know what I mean?

  DANIEL

  No, I try to distance myself from android experiences.

  TOBIAS

  Let me put it this way; with a real girl, you might have to listen to her life story. With a Sex-Bot…well, what story would it have to tell?

  DANIEL

  Agreed, but how can you…perform knowing that the person you’re with is not a person? I could never be fooled by such an obvious lie.

  TOBIAS

  Ever gave yourself a ‘helping hand’ while surfing the net? It’s not that far of a jump.

  DANIEL

  I understand that, but you’re paying money to have sex. By definition, it’s impossible to do that without someone else present.

  The truth of the matter dawns upon TOBIAS, but HE quickly laughs it away.

  TOBIAS

  Don’t make me think about it. You’ll ruin the fun. Besides, me having horizontal dance lessons from a Sex-Bot is a lot more human interaction than what you get. What did you do last night?

  DANIEL

  Me? Well, I re-read the short story “Rip Van Winkle” by Washington Irving.

  A Beat.

  TOBIAS

  That was it?

  DANIEL

  What do you mean, “That was it?” It’s a classic.

  TOBIAS

  Why did you read it? Why do you read anything? You have to critique independent movies all day long, and then you go home and read books? If you went home to watch TV, I could understand, but reading a story made whenever ago by what’s-his-name doesn’t make sense anymore. Hell, I’d rather watch the movie.

  DANIEL

  There isn’t a movie.

  TOBIAS

  Wanna bet? I’ll risk thirty credits that I can find this “Rip Van Winkler” movie--

  DANIEL

  --Winkle--

  TOBIAS

  --whatever…I’ll find it in under five seconds online.

  DANIEL

  I don’t gamble. Not since you rigged that poker game to give you a full house every third hand.

  TOBIAS

  You laughed about it later. Time me anyway. Ready, go!

  DANIEL looks at HIS computer.

  TOBIAS

  Computer, search for movies under the title “Rip Van Winkle”.

  COMPUTER

  Affirmative, Mr. Delsoto.

  TOBIAS waits and looks as HIS computer monitor for results.

  TOBIAS

  A ha! Found not one, not two, but three movies.

  DANIEL

  Cartoons?

  TOBIAS

  No, not cartoons! Real movies: feature length ones.

  A Beat.

  DANIEL

  That’s sad.

  TOBIAS

  Why is that sad? They might be good movies.

  DANIEL

  There’s a chance that they are. However, there are elements in a written story that cannot cross over to video: detail, richness, depth. If a director focuses on being as true to the book as possible, then the result is generally a bad movie. So if the public believes “Rip Van Winkle” is a good movie, then I know that what I read was better.

  TOBIAS

  Could you be anymore full of yourself?

  DANIEL

  Yes, I could, but I don’t want to be rude.

  TOBIAS

  Liar. So…reading a short story. That’s what kept you occupied all last night? Nothing else?

  DANIEL

  No. I did other things.

  TOBIAS

  You listened to another of that one woman’s shows, didn’t you? The one that improv’s her poetry on the spot, Sophie Russo. What’s that type called? Hit poetry…punch poetry…

  DANIEL

  Slam poetry.

  TOBIAS

  That’s right. You know, for someone who likes to do everything the old fashion way, you’re kind of a shy person. Doesn’t this woman perform most of her material locally?

  DANIEL

  I don’t think she would appreciate someone as…reserved as me to attend one of her live shows.

  TOBIAS

  What, you won’t snap your fingers for her? Who cares! After the show, you can go up to her in person and explain yourself. I’ll go with you if you need the support.

  DANIEL

  Thank you, but I believe what I write online about her is enough.

  TOBIAS

  Okay. Speaking of that, how’s your last critique? Your review pushed that movie hig
h up on the charts yesterday.

  DANIEL suddenly changes his mood for the better.

  DANIEL

  Yes, it certainly did. “Raining Monday”, no one could ask for a better work of art.

  TOBIAS

  I’m saying this as your co-worker, but I think it was one of your best pieces yet. I had to watch that movie after reading what you wrote about it. And you were right, it’s a terrific movie.

  DANIEL

  It’s one of the best, and everyone agrees with me. Read the replies to my critique.

  TOBIAS look on HIS computer monitor after tapping on it a few times.

  TOBIAS

  “I couldn’t have asked for a better review…no one could”, “Wow, I mean, Wow”, and “If there is as much magic in the movie as there is in you, then ‘Raining Monday’ is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow”?

  DANIEL

  That last one was ridiculous, but I appreciate them all very much.

  TOBIAS

  …this one says that you were ripped off.

  DANIEL

  What? Which one?

  DANIEL looks at HIS computer after clicking the mouse.

  TOBIAS

  “Dear Mr. Daniel Mason, I was so inspired by your critique that I decided to investigate everything possible about ‘Raining Monday’. That’s when I found another critique very similar to yours. It troubles me that someone would steal from you, and I hope you get to the bottom of this soon.” There, they even left a link to the other website.

  DANIEL

  This is ridiculous. Who’d be foolish enough to steal from me?

  TOBIAS

  A guy by the name of Anonymous.

  DANIEL

  They’ve taken my words exactly! Change a pronoun here or an adjective here, and this is my critique! They stole my critique!

  DANIEL slams HIS fist on the table.

  DANIEL

  Sorry for that.

  TOBIAS

  Relax, this other website didn’t steal your work. Anonymous is the one that pickpocketed you. Get angry with him.

  DANIEL

  I plan to! How could this…this…thief think that he could take away my work and get away with it? I am famous! There’s not a single movie fanatic that doesn’t know who I am. Is this man an imbecile? Does he not know what the Internet is capable of?

  TOBIAS

  We’ll get him, don’t worry. I’ll contact our legal department and get this settled.

  DANIEL

  Oh, we will not be waiting for the lawyers to debate about the matter. Computer! Make a call to the editorial department of Spectator’s Queries.

  SFX: a double beep

  DANIEL puts on an ear piece.

  DANIEL

  What fool, moron, nitwit makes a career from literary piracy? Can you tell me that?

  TOBIAS

  He’s not the first to try.

  DANIEL

  Oh, Shakespeare robbed storylines left and right, but he never stole exact lines. This faceless coward took what I labored over for weeks and imagined himself an intellectual. His celebrity is about to end very quickly…

  DANIEL is connected with a person over the ear piece.

  DANIEL (cont.)

  Yes, my name is Daniel Mason… actually, I’m not having a good day. It seems that you’re harboring a criminal. I’ll tell you what I’m referring to. I made a critique very recently over the movie ‘Raining Monday’, and one of my loyal fans brought it to my attention that your company has ripped me off! Yes, I’m claiming this anonymous author on your payroll is a plagiarist. I’ll wait on the line while you look up the real name of the culprit.

  TOBIAS

  You plan on getting results this way? Let the lawyers battle it out. All you’ll do is make it worse.

  DANIEL

  Make it worse? They’re basically stealing my identity! How would you like it if Mr. Anonymous took your ID and pretended to be you?

  TOBIAS

  Without my fingerprints, he’d get caught fast.

  DANIEL

  That’s not the point. You don’t…

  The operator has DANIEL’s attention again.

  DANIEL (cont.)

  Yes, I’m here. So you found the thief’s name, did you? What? No, I’m not willing to wait till your legal department contacts me. Then that’s what I’ll do. Today! Tell your superiors to expect me soon. Good day!

  DANIEL takes out the earpiece and prepares to leave.

  TOBIAS

  What happened?

  DANIEL

  They refused to discuss such matters over the phone.

  TOBIAS

  Are you leaving?

  DANIEL

  I’m not waiting one more second longer than necessary.

  TOBIAS

  But Danny, what about your job?

  DANIEL

  It’s Daniel, and this is a part of my job! Protecting my material from plagiarism falls under my duties as a professional.

  TOBIAS

  I’m not sure the boss will agree with that. Tell the company lawyers. Let them deal with this. Charging into Spectator’s Queries and demanding satisfaction is going to get you into trouble.

  DANIEL

  I’m not an imbecile. I’ll walk there. By the time I arrive, my anger will be manageable.

  TOBIAS

  Think this over for a few minutes.

  DANIEL

  I’ll trust you to tell Mr. Keller where I went.

  DANIEL exits.

  TOBIAS

  Yeah, sure. I’ll tell him you stormed off and formed a one-man army.

  ACT I, SCENE II

  There is a desk in the middle of the room with a computer. On one side there is a comfortable chair, and on the other is a chair designed more for visitors.

  MR.JONES is a precise, genteel Lawyer-Bot designed to relay the law in a most calming manner. His movements are never sudden, and his facial expressions are incapable of negativity.

  MR.JONES is sitting in the business chair, when an electronic voice is heard overhead.

  COMPUTER

  Attention Mr. Jones, Mr. Daniel Mason is here for his scheduled appointment.

  MR.JONES

  Thank you for informing me. Please, let him in.

  DANIEL wearily walks in.

  MR.JONES

  Welcome, Mr. Mason. My name’s Mr. Jones. I hope you didn’t have to wait too long in the lounge.

  DANIEL

  No…no. There was no waiting.

  MR.JONES

  That’s nice to hear. Please, relax yourself as I explain this situation.

  DANIEL prepares for complex legal jargon.

  DANIEL

  I’m ready.

  MR.JONES

  Mr. Mason, may I call you Daniel?

  DANIEL

  No, you may not.

  MR.JONES

  Very well. Recently it has come to the attention of Spectator’s Queries that they’ve published material which has many similarities to an article under your authorship.

  DANIEL

  Yes, that’s definitely true. Are you willing to reveal the culprit’s name yet?

  MR.JONES

  My client had generated their version of the article by means of the new software Composition Wizard, available to all established corporations. You are aware of this, yes?

  DANIEL

  Composition Wizard? I walked to this location, your office, when I learned of this thievery, only to be told a computer is the guilty party?

  MR.JONES

  Although you should have notified your company’s law offices first, my law firm has investigated the case in full detail, and we have discovered that the law favors you in this matter.

  DANIEL

  Why wouldn’t they? The law is designed to defend the victims of theft!

  MR.JONES

  Understanding this, Spectator’s Queries has been advised to retract their article and to put in its pla
ce a formal apology to you and a link to your article. This will be accomplished by twelve this afternoon.

  DANIEL

  Terrific! In the apology, do they recognize that this updated ‘literary’ software is flawed? Is there going to be a recall?

  MR.JONES

  Of course not. There is no malfunction with the software. It works perfectly.

  DANIEL

  What? That’s impossible! It stole from me. How can it be functioning properly?

  MR.JONES

  Mr. Mason, the records show that my client’s article was composed a few hours before you wrote yours.

  DANIEL

  Mine is an original piece!

  MR. JONES

  According to the law, you’re correct. Due to the rise of computer programs capable of mimicking the human thought process, congress passed the Creative Thought Protection Act almost twenty years ago. It states that if a person independently constructs a creative piece of work similar to a computer’s, then the copyright automatically defaults to the person in question.

  DANIEL

  I know the laws of creative properties, but this is still my work!

  MR. JONES

  As I said before, the law agrees with you.

  A Beat.

  DANIEL

  Software writes as well as I do?

  MR. JONES