Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

ACTOR

  Yes, one of those, please.

  FERGUS

  Why didn’t you stick with the last job I gave you?

  ACTOR

  Jason left me for dead on an island.

  FERGUS

  So?

  ACTOR

  So? What do you mean “So?” He left me for dead.

  FERGUS

  That’s his right as the hero. You’re the sidekick. If he tells you to die, then you die. If he tells you to stick your head in a fire, then you go stick your head in a fire. If he tells you to dress up like a lady and put lipstick on and pretend to be his high school sweetheart, then you go and—

  ACTOR

  I got it, I got it. Do whatever the hero says. I understand that now. You see, I didn’t know that before. No one told me that. I’m not blaming you, but now that I know all the details about my position, can you find me another job? [half-beat] Please?

  FERGUS grumbles and looks through some papers.

  FERGUS

  [To HIMSELF] Kill a giant boar…no, not strong enough. Overthrow a band of ravaging centaurs…no, not smart enough. Save seven maidens from a sea monster…no, not handsome enough.

  ACTOR

  Hey! I like to think of myself as very handsome, thank you very much.

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  I’m sure you do. Ah, here’s one. You know the hero Bellerophon?

  ACTOR

  Do I ever! He’s a legend! Everyone knows about Bellerophon and his battle against the Chimera with the help of his winged steed Pegasus...but I thought he was dead.

  FERGUS

  He’s close, and he needs someone to help him the rest of the way. I think this will be good for you. I don’t see you screwing this up, and you might learn something from a pro like him.

  ACTOR

  Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll take the job. Thank you very much, Mr. Fergus sir. You won’t regret it.

  ACTOR gets up and leaves.

  FERGUS

  I already am.

  ACTOR, aside to the audience.

  ACTOR

  Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Jason was an up and comer, but Bellerophon…wow. That guy was picking giant boulders up with one hand when Jason was in his diapers making boulders in his pants. His greatest feat of slaying the Chimera, a lion-like creature with an extra goat head and the tail of a serpent, was one of the stories that made me want to be a hero in the first place. I mean, flying on a winged horse, dodging the fire breath of monsters, getting all the local virgins for yourself, what more do you need to want to be a hero? But I was about to learn that although legends last forever, heroes get old real fast.

  ACTOR exits. BELLEROPHON enters.

  BELLEREOPHON is an aged hero of the times, but man is HE getting old. HE’s losing HIS body and mind faster than ice melts in Tartarus, and HE’s getting desperate. HE walks with an old spear as a walking stick.

  BELLEROPHON

  Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

  ACTOR enters.

  ACTOR

  I am here! My name is—

  BELLEROPHON

  Speak up! I can’t hear as good as I used to, you know.

  ACTOR

  I’m here. My name is Actor. I’m here to be your sidekick.

  BELLEROPHON

  You’re a packer, and you want my walking stick?