No Touching Read online

And his eyes. Those are the best.

  LIZA

  I save those for last. After climbing that mountain, I look in his face and see someone who can take care of me every way I need him too.

  ROBERT

  He will.

  LIZA

  What?

  ROBERT

  You know, he lives with me here.

  LIZA

  He does?

  ROBERT nods and points to the room. LIZA gets up and takes a look.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  But there’s only one bedroom. You two aren’t…a couple, are you?

  ROBERT

  No! I sleep in here on the floor. I have back problems.

  LIZA

  I was about to say, “That’s one more man lost forever”. You’d make more sense, too.

  ROBERT

  I’m not like that.

  LIZA

  You see the painting?

  ROBERT

  I made it.

  LIZA

  No one makes a man look that good and not get hard.

  ROBERT

  I’m not!

  LIZA

  Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure. I got to tell you Robert, I’ve been busting my head open trying to figure why you don’t want me.

  ROBERT

  I…he’s really something, isn’t he?

  LIZA

  God, every time I see him I want to rip him off the wall and eat him up.

  ROBERT

  You do?

  LIZA

  My dreams have been very, very sensual lately.

  ROBERT watches LIZA fantasize a little too passionately.

  ROBERT

  Maybe I should take it back.

  LIZA

  Why’s that?

  ROBERT

  I…I…I don’t want to rush our friendship.

  LIZA

  You think we’re going too fast with all this talking?

  ROBERT

  I’ll give you some money for shipping.

  LIZA

  Robert-

  ROBERT

  -It’s not a problem. I can even give you a box to ship it in.

  LIZA

  I like the painting, and I’m keeping it. End of story!

  ROBERT

  You like it that much?

  LIZA

  Yeah, I like it that much.

  LIZA quickly grabs ROBERT and gives HIM a kiss on the lips. ROBERT jumps back in shock.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  And there’s my thank you.

  ROBERT

  You… kissed me.

  LIZA

  Is it a problem?

  ROBERT

  No…no.

  LIZA

  If you liked it, I’ll give you another. But you have to ask for it first.

  LIZA moves in close to ROBERT, who doesn’t back away.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  You want one more or not?

  ROBERT

  (Whispered)Yes.

  LIZA

  What was that?

  ROBERT

  Yes.

  LIZA

  That’s all you had to say.

  LIZA pulls ROBERT in for another kiss. HE stands there trying to figure out what to do. LIZA’s hands slowly move down from ROBERT’s head to his belt. As soon as HER hands fumble around with the belt, ROBERT pulls back and freaks out.

  ROBERT

  No, don’t do that! Keep away!

  LIZA

  What’d I do?

  ROBERT

  Don’t touch me there!

  LIZA

  I’m sorry.

  ROBERT

  Leave me alone!

  LIZA

  I didn’t mean anything by-

  ROBERT

  Leave me alone!

  ROBERT moves as far away from her as possible.

  ROBERT (CONT.)

  Don’t touch me!

  LIZA

  Well, to hell with you! You call me when you get enough balls to use them.

  LIZA slams the door behind HER. ROBERT lies on the ground.

  Beat.

  ROBERT

  What am I? What am I?

  END ACT I, SCENE V

  ACT I, SCENE VI

  JAKE has been awakened after a night of heavy drinking, so HE’s not exactly sure what’s going on. HE goes to the refrigerator and pulls out women’s panties. HE stares at them, remembering how they got there. HE looks back to the bedroom, and then empties the pockets. HE finds some money

  SFX: knocking at front door.

  JAKE

  What the hell?

  LIZA (OS)

  Robert, open up. I want to talk to you.

  SFX: knocking at front door.

  JAKE stuffs the money in HIS pants.

  LIZA (OS)

  I feel bad about the other day. Aren’t you going to open the door?

  JAKE opens the door and LIZA pushes her way through before HE knows what’s happening.

  LIZA

  I don’t know what problems you’ve got, but I didn’t mean to make them worse when I…who are you?

  JAKE

  Who are you?

  LIZA

  Is Robert here?

  JAKE

  No, he’s not. Who are you?

  LIZA

  I’m Liza. I need to know where he is.

  JAKE

  I’m Jake. The girl in the other room is my woman, and you better stop yelling before you wake her up.

  LIZA looks into the bedroom.

  LIZA

  I can smell the liquor from over here. There’s no waking her up. I can smell it off you too.

  JAKE

  Whoopee. Now get out.

  Beat.

  LIZA

  Don’t I know you?

  JAKE

  Probably. Get out.

  LIZA

  You look familiar.

  JAKE

  I’m a good looking guy. Hard to forget. Get out!

  LIZA

  That’s where I’ve seen you. On the painting.

  JAKE

  A painting?

  LIZA

  Yeah, you’re the naked man lying on the bed…Robert’s painting. You’re the painting.

  JAKE

  ….oh, right. Yep. That’s me. How’d you see it? I thought some high-society jerks were bidding on it?

  LIZA

  No, he gave it to me.

  JAKE

  He gave it away?!

  LIZA

  Yeah, to me.

  JAKE

  Man, I thought he was going to get some money off of that thing and make me famous. You’re the hooker, right?

  JAKE searches the refrigerator for a beer.

  LIZA

  You’re calling me a hooker?

  JAKE

  Yeah.

  LIZA

  …so what of it?

  JAKE

  Nothing. You look pretty good. I bet you’re high dollar.

  LIZA

  Where’d Robert go?

  JAKE

  Out.

  LIZA

  Where to, stupid?

  JAKE

  He didn’t tell me.

  JAKE closes the refrigerator.

  LIZA

  I shouldn’t have made fun of him.

  JAKE gives up on making LIZA leave. HE closes the front door. Fortunately, HE finds his beer in a pile of clothes.

  JAKE

  Why did you do that?

  JAKE smells a cup and then pours the beer in it. Then he pours some coffee from a pot in it as well and sips the cup.

  LIZA

  Because…because he freaked out when I touched him.

  JAKE

  You touched him?

  LIZA

  Yes, I tried to get a handful, but he ran into a corner and cried like a baby.

  JAKE

  You what?!? You tried to grab his...

  JAKE starts laughing.

  LIZA

  Shut up or I�
��ll slap that smile right off your face.

  JAKE

  I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Why did you do it?

  LIZA

  All he wanted to do was talk. I’ve had shy customers before, but he was being pathetic. So, I kissed him on the lips and started to work my way down-

  JAKE

  -you kissed him?

  LIZA

  Yeah.

  JAKE

  On the lips?

  LIZA

  He begged for it the second time!

  JAKE

  Man, he must really like you.

  LIZA

  I don’t want him to like me. I want him to be a man and get his money’s worth.

  JAKE

  Well, I guess I can understand that. Making Robert act like a man is like pushing a boulder uphill.

  LIZA

  I wish I knew what his problem was.

  JAKE

  So do I.

  LIZA

  Then why don’t you ask him?

  JAKE

  Can’t. It’s against the guy code.

  LIZA

  Hah! Yeah, I’ve heard of that before. I’ll let you in on a little secret; no guy follows the guy code.

  JAKE

  We try.

  LIZA

  You all fail.

  JAKE

  Not all the time.

  LIZA

  Enough to keep me in business.

  JAKE

  Good point.

  JAKE sizes LIZA up.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  You’re good looking, and cute. How much do you charge?

  LIZA

  Four hundred. Could you handle that?

  LIZA picks up and tosses JAKE’s work shirt at HIM. HE catches it.

  JAKE

  Hey, I could if I wanted to. Are you worth it?

  LIZA

  You whip it out, and I’ll hurt you so bad you’ll be screaming for your momma.

  JAKE

  Takes a lot to get me screaming.

  LIZA

  I’m more than enough.

  JAKE

  If I’m not satisfied, I’m getting my money back.

  LIZA

  When I’m through, you’ll be throwing money at me begging for more.

  JAKE

  I’m not the begging type.

  LIZA

  You will be.

  JAKE

  You sure about that?

  LIZA

  Hell yes.

  JAKE looks back at the girl in HIS bedroom.

  JAKE

  I kind of got a good thing going right now, but I’ll be seeing you soon.

  LIZA hands JAKE a pocket-sized flier.

  LIZA

  Call me if you feel you’re up to the challenge.

  JAKE

  Sure you’re ready for this?

  JAKE flexes. LIZA laughs, but HE doesn’t get offended.

  LIZA

  I’m sure. Be ready.

  LIZA lets HERSELF out. JAKE stands there for a moment and drinks, thinking on what could be.

  JAKE

  Four hundred. Yeah, right.

  JAKE throws the shirt down and goes back into the bedroom.

  END ACT I, SCENE VI

  ACT I, SCENE VII

  ROBERT’s apartment, next morning. JAKE walks into the room and is blinded by sunlight. HE also realizes the pain shooting up HIS back. Once HIS eyes adjust, HE feels HIS pockets and pulls out an unopened condom wrapper. HE reads it.

  JAKE

  Ninety-seven percent effective, huh? Hmm.

  JAKE throws the condom away.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Oh well. Next time.

  ROBERT opens the door and slowly enters the room. HE has been out all night and can finally allow HIMSELF some time to rest.

  JAKE

  Robert? You’re lucky. I was about to go to work in a few. Where’d you go last night?

  ROBERT

  Out.

  JAKE

  I know, but where to?

  ROBERT

  Out. I wanted to walk.

  JAKE

  You walked all night?

  ROBERT

  Yes.

  JAKE

  Okay. Uh…someone was looking for you.

  JAKE finds HIS work slacks.

  ROBERT

  Who?

  JAKE

  Oh, you know her.

  JAKE takes off the pants and puts on the slacks, exchanging the stuff in the pockets.

  ROBERT

  Who was it?

  JAKE

  Your talk-buddy. The one you gave our painting to.

  ROBERT

  Oh, her.

  JAKE

  Yeah, she wanted to apologize for touching you. I thought she was crazy. Banging on the door and then going on and on about how bad she felt.

  ROBERT

  She wanted to apologize?

  JAKE puts on HIS shoes and socks, sitting right next to ROBERT. Something is wrong with JAKE’s back, but HE continues anyway.

  JAKE

  I know, right? I told her I didn’t know where you were and to get the hell out. She almost woke up Yien.

  ROBERT

  Who?

  JAKE

  Yien? I think that’s how you say it. One of those Asian chicks from the airport. I told you about them.

  ROBERT

  She felt bad for me?

  JAKE

  That’s what I said, but I don’t think it’s all her fault.

  ROBERT

  Why not?

  JAKE

  Let’s face it, Robert. You’re not a normal guy. You can’t even shake someone’s hand without thinking it through. When most guys get their sack grabbed by a woman, they jump for joy. Why’d you scream?

  ROBERT

  I didn’t scream-

  JAKE stands, holding HIS back.

  JAKE

  --Whatever. Look, you need to talk to her. Try and explain yourself. Tell her about your immunity system problems. She’ll understand.

  ROBERT

  I guess I can do that.

  JAKE

  Good. And after the talking, do a little horizontal square dancing for me too.

  JAKE dances awkwardly (due to HIS back) while thrusting his pelvis at ROBERT.

  ROBERT

  I..I don’t know-

  JAKE

  -I’m kidding. But don’t freak out when she kisses you, okay?

  JAKE leaves to the bathroom, rubbing HIS back.

  JAKE (OS)

  Oh, and we are making more paintings together, riiiiight?

  ROBERT

  Yes...yes we are. That is if you still want to.

  JAKE (OS)

  Just don’t give more away, okay? You have to make me famous somehow.

  ROBERT

  So how was your night?

  JAKE returns and talks while brushing HIS teeth.

  JAKE

  Other than your crazy hooker? It was great! Man, those Asian chicks really dig the white meat. They were drinking like there was no tomorrow. Bill drank a pint of whiskey and threw up in a beer mug, then went up to the microphone and sang. He was spitting all over the place. It was funny as hell.

  JAKE spits out in a cup and tosses the toothbrush in the sink.

  ROBERT

  Did you sing?

  JAKE

  Yeah, but only country songs. I can’t sing that 80’s crap.

  ROBERT

  What about the girls?

  JAKE

  Let me paint you a picture for once. Think of a woman with the experience of a forty-year old slut with the body of a twenty year old. Pretty nice, huh?

  ROBERT

  Sounds like heaven.

  JAKE

  No, heaven was later…twice.

  ROBERT

  Twice? You usually go to sleep, don’t you?

  JAKE

  You been counting or something?

  ROBERT

&nb
sp; It’s kind of hard not to when I sleep in the next room.

  JAKE

  Sorry about that. Hey, if you keep taking “long walks on the beach”, then you won’t have to hear it anymore.

  ROBERT

  I don’t mind.

  JAKE

  You don’t …you know, get off under the sheets when I’m doing my thing, do you?

  ROBERT

  What?!? I..I..I-

  JAKE

  -I’m just messing with you, man.

  ROBERT

  Right. Funny.

  JAKE can’t ignore the back pain any longer.

  JAKE

  Yien made me lose my balance last night, and I fell against the dresser. It feels like I pulled something. Do you see any bruises?

  ROBERT takes a closer look.

  ROBERT

  No.

  JAKE

  You sure? It’s right below my left shoulder blade.

  JAKE moves HIS left arm around in the air.

  ROBERT

  I don’t see anything.

  JAKE

  Push on the muscle.