Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

JASON

  I have some things to say to you, men.

  ACTOR

  Oh, goodie. Another speech.

  JASON

  Okay, guys. We’re here. Phineus is on that island somewhere, and he needs us to save him. And once we do, he tells us exactly where the Golden Fleece is. Is that what we want? [Beat] I saaaaaid, is that what we want?

  ACTOR

  Yes!

  JASON

  Is that what we’re going to get?

  ACTOR

  Yes!

  JASON

  When we going to get it?

  ACTOR

  Now!

  JASON

  And who’s going to get it?

  ACTOR

  I am! Wait. Why didn’t you guys say anything?

  JASON grabs ACTOR around the shoulder.

  JASON

  Glad to hear it, Allen.

  ACTOR

  Actor.

  JASON

  Whatever. I knew there was something special about you the first time I saw you.

  ACTOR

  You mean when I was throwing up over the side of the boat from motion sickness?

  JASON

  Allen—

  ACTOR

  Actor.

  JASON

  Actor, do you want to be a cook all your life?

  ACTOR

  Not really, no.

  JASON

  I don’t think you heard me. DO YOU WANT TO BE A COOK ALL YOUR LIFE?

  ACTOR

  NOT REALLY, NO!

  JASON

  That’s what I like to hear. Now, you know the deal with Phineus, right?

  ACTOR

  The “he’s cursed by the evil, cruel, smelly harpies to starve and live alone” deal?

  JASON

  Yeah. That one. You see, there’s not much we can do to super-powered, flying she-bitches. I mean, we’re only mortals. [laughs, which gets ACTOR to laugh] So, we need a distraction. Something or someONE to go out there and draw them away from Phineus. Someone expendable. You get where I’m going with this?

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  [to a sailor] Hey, Ledus. Jason has a job for you.

  JASON

  [laughs] You’re funny. I’m glad I hired a comedian for this trip.

  ACTOR

  I’m not actually—

  JASON

  Allen.

  ACTOR

  Actor.

  JASON

  Actor, this is your chance to shine. This is your chance to prove yourself to your team. We need you to take your…great smelling stew…and use it to attract the harpies away from the ship. When they leave, then me and the guys will go and get Phineus when the bitches aren’t looking.

  ACTOR

  What about me?

  JASON

  Well, when you see them, throw the stew on the ground and make a run for the boat. Your stew is…so good…I’m sure they’ll go straight for it instead of eating on your innards. I’m certain.

  ACTOR

  You are?

  JASON

  If I’m a liar, then my name isn’t spelled J-A-S-O-N.

  [Beat]

  ACTOR

  Actually, there’s no letter “J” in Ancient Greek…but I get what you’re saying. It’s a chance to be heroic.

  JASON

  Right. So you take your pot and run off that way. When you see the harpies, you know what to do. We’re counting on you, good buddy.

  [Beat]

  ACTOR

  You can count on me. [Gets the pot] Hurrah!

  JASON

  Hurrah!

  ACTOR runs off. JASON watches, then hears one of the sailors talking to him.

  JASON

  What? Hell, no! No one’s going to eat that crap. I’m just tired of his yapping all the time. This way, we get Phineus and lose the “talking hole that won’t close”. Two birds with one stone. Alright.

  JASON high fives the sailor and exits. ACTOR enters, carrying the pot around and looking incredibly terrified.

  ACTOR

  Here harpy-harpy-harpy-harpy. Here harpy-harpy-harpy-harpy. [Beat] Hey, harpies! I got your din-din here! [Beat] Nothing. Maybe the winds not blowing the right way.

  ACTOR blows on the pot’s top and tires to waft the smell around.

  That must be it. Who could ever resist my chicken eyeball and fishtail stew? No one, that’s who.

  ACTOR sees the creatures flying towards him.

  There they are. Come and get it! Grandpa’s Good Ole’ Timey Fix-you-up Elixir hot and ready for you! Come and get it!

  ACTOR bangs the pot.

  Okay. They’re coming. Really, really fast, too.

  ACTOR sets the pot down and backs off.

  This is going to be so cool! [Beat] Wait a minute. They’re not going to the stew. They’re coming for me! They must think I’m where the smell’s coming from! What’ll I do? What’ll I do? What’ll I do? WHAT’LL I DO?! [half-beat] Wait a tick, if I make myself smell bad, then the harpies will know that the stew smell isn’t me. All I have to do is smell bad.

  ACTOR looks around on the ground.

  Quick! Where’s some poop? Where’s some poop? There’s some!

  ACTOR picks some off of the ground, and it definitely smells horrible.

  Oh, my Zeus! [coughs and smears it all over his body, almost puking the whole time] Oh, please let this work. I don’t want them to find my dead body covered in poop. Ewwww! Okay, that’s good enough.

  ACTOR looks out.

  They can smell me now. They don’t want me. They’re flying away! Yippie! I did it! I did it! I did something! Yippieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—[runs around all the way back to the boat] eeeee. I did it!

  JASON enters and smells ACTOR.

  JASON

  [repulsed] Did what? Took the long path of survival after being eaten whole?!

  ACTOR

  Nope. I had to cover myself in this, because the harpies thought my stew smell was me.

  JASON

  Right.

  ACTOR

  When they smelled the poop, they flew away. So, did you get him? Did you get Phineus? Oh, okay. I see him right there. Let’s go and get that Golden Fleece!

  ACTOR moves to the boat, but JASON stops him.

  JASON

  Uhm, no. Sorry, Allen—

  ACTOR

  Actor.

  JASON

  Actor, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

  ACTOR

  Why not?

  JASON

  Well…you see, there’s only so much room on the boat, and with Phineus on board, there’s really no more room.

  ACTOR

  Yes there is. I left my pot, so I can sit where it use to be. We’ll all have to tough it out and eat raw eel skin and squid tentacles for awhile, but there’s room.

  ACTOR attempts to move back on the boat, and again JASON prevents HIM.

  JASON

  Also, you smell really bad. I mean really, really bad. I mean, living in the butthole of a whale bad. And I don’t think it’d be fair to us to have to smell that the entire trip. Do you?

  ACTOR

  But…I’m a hero.

  JASON

  Come on, bro. Be a team player here.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  Yeah. I get you. I’ll just stay here and hang with the harpies. It’ll be cool. I’m sure they’ll be willing to listen to my jokes and stories, not like you A-holes.

  JASON

  Whatever makes you feel better. Thanks for understanding. Tell you what, you can keep that pot and spoon for yourself. Call it even. [Smells ACTOR] I’m getting out of here.

  JASON gets on the boat and sails away.

  I’ll tell your family you died a warrior’s death. They’ll sing songs about you. I promise you, man. Everyone will know the sacrifice of brave Allen.

  ACTOR

  My name’s Actor! A
ctor-Actor-Actor! Actor!!!

  JASON

  Whatever dude.

  ACTOR

  [Weakly] It’s Actor.

  ACTOR is depressed, but then hears the harpies again.

  Oh, no. The harpies! I have to find more poop!

  ACTOR moves around onstage as if to outrun something, but then speaks aside to the audience. He also takes the pot and spoon and puts it in the bag.

  ACTOR (CONT.)

  So, that didn’t go well. They left me to die on that island. And I would have too, but I was able to make a boat out of dried harpy poop and the pot that jerk left me. But you know, I hear he got his. Some crazy woman named Medea. Apparently, I’m not the only person Jason decided to leave behind. [laughs] So since being an Argonaut didn’t work, I had to back to the SAG and ask for another job. All of you in the audience who are real actors can feel for me on that one.

  FERGUS enters and sits at the table.

  FERGUS

  What are you…what the hell is that smell?!

  ACTOR

  Me.

  FERGUS

  I should have guessed.

  ACTOR

  Things didn’t work out with Jason and me.

  FERGUS

  They didn’t, huh?

  ACTOR

  Yeah, no. He has some trust issues that he really needs to work though. Guy has some problems. If I were you, I’d stay clear of him.

  FERGUS

  Thanks for the advice.

  ACTOR

  You’re welcome.

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  What do you want?

  ACTOR

  Oh, right. Sorry. I’d like another job.

  FERGUS

  Another sidekick job?