You Know The Story Read online

  XANDER

  Who is she?

  DORIS

  I’m Doris.

  YALENA

  I’m Yalena. I’m…I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m-

  EUNO

  -She’s here to challenge you to a duel!

  XANDER laughs.

  XANDER

  This girl is to duel with me?

  EUNO

  To take your Enchanted Damascus Sword and kill-

  YALENA

  -blood thirsty harpies coming this way!

  EUNO screams and falls to the ground.

  YALENA

  You know, I don’t really need to fight you. It’s obvious you’d win anyway. There’s really no competition, so…if I could perhaps borrow your sword instead of fighting for it? We could come to an understanding, like a rental agreement. I only need it for one thing, and we don’t have to tell anyone. Confidentiality agreement and all.

  XANDER holds up the Damascus sword.

  XANDER

  This sword will leave my side when you take it from my dead hand!

  Beat.

  DORIS

  But that’s so permanent, man.

  EUNO

  Are the harpies gone yet?

  YALENA

  No. (to XANDER) Sir Xander, do you think we can do something other than fighting? Please?

  XANDER

  Do you want my sword?

  YALENA

  I-I-I-I-I-

  XANDER

  -You think you can defeat me?

  YALENA

  …I can…hold my own…maybe?

  XANDER

  Do you know who I am?

  Beat.

  DORIS

  You’re Xander.

  XANDER

  Xander, the Great.

  Xander, the Brave.

  Xander, the Magnificent.

  Xander, I am.

  I’ve braved these dangers

  That could kill any man,

  But I’ve survived them

  Cause Xander, I am.

  Three flying dragons

  With a hundred horned heads,

  Breathing out fire,

  And I killed them dead.

  Giant demon wyrms

  Over ten miles wide,

  Eating whole cities,

  By my hands, they died.

  Xander, the Great.

  Xander, the Brave.

  Xander, the Magnificent.

  Xander, I am.

  Living-dead armies

  Bound by evil to kill,

  Nothing to stop them,

  Except my fine steel.

  Giant Cyclopeses

  Wearing human flesh,

  Hurling stone boulders,

  In graves they now rest.

  I’ve braved these dangers

  That could kill any man,

  But I survived them,

  Cause Xander, I am.

  Xander, the Great.

  Xander, the Brave.

  Xander, the Magnificent.

  Xander, I am.

  YALENA

  He convinced me. Let’s go.

  YALENA pulls on DORIS to leave.

  EUNO

  Wait! What about Prince Cosmo?...[to Audience] And the story all these people came to see?

  Beat.

  EUNO

  Are the harpies gone yet?

  YALENA

  No. [to XANDER] I…guess I have to fight you.

  XANDER

  Foolish woman! Prepare yourself for death.

  XANDER exercises HIS sword techniques. YALENA does the same with HER pitiful sword.

  DORIS

  Try throwing your sword down as a protest. It might make him realize the pointlessness of exercising aggression to obtain his life goals.

  YALENA

  How many of those mushrooms do you eat in a day?

  XANDER

  Are you ready to die?

  YALENA

  Yes! I mean, no! You get ready to die!

  Beat.

  XANDER

  Come at me!

  YALENA

  I am!

  Beat.

  YALENA

  Fight me!

  XANDER

  You first, coward!

  Beat.

  YALENA

  No, you first!

  XANDER

  I said “you first” first!

  Beat.

  YALENA

  You did?

  XANDER

  Yes!

  YALENA

  I don’t care. You first!

  XANDER

  No, you first!

  Beat.

  DORIS

  Like, what’s going on here, man?

  XANDER

  Nothing!

  YALENA

  Then why aren’t you…killing me already?

  XANDER

  You’re a woman.

  YALENA

  So.

  XANDER

  There’s no honor in fighting a woman.

  DORIS

  Then why’d you say you’d fight her?

  XANDER

  Are you a fool? I am Xander, the Great, the Brave, the Magnificent, the-

  YALENA

  -We all heard the song!

  XANDER

  I will never turn away from any challenger!

  Beat.

  YALENA

  But you won’t fight a woman?

  XANDER

  Never!

  Beat.

  YALENA pokes XANDER with HER sword.

  XANDER (CONT.)

  Hah! I didn’t even feel that!

  YALENA stabs XANDER with a more powerful force. XANDER obviously feels the wound.

  YALENA

  How was that?

  XANDER

  Did anyone else feel a breeze?

  YALENA stabs XANDER harder.

  YALENA

  And that?

  XANDER

  Are you trying to tickle me to death?

  YALENA stabs again.

  YALENA

  Give up yet?

  XANDER

  Never!

  YALENA stabs again.

  YALENA

  You feel that?

  XANDER

  Hardly!

  YALENA stabs XANDER, a fatal blow.

  YALENA

  And that? How about that?

  XANDER

  Didn’t…feel…a thing…

  DORIS

  Dude, you don’t look so good. I think you lost.

  XANDER

  Impossible! I’m…I’m…Xander, the…the…

  YALENA

  If you give me the sword, we’ll walk away. No one has to know.

  XANDER

  You…you promise?

  YALENA

  Sure.

  XANDER hands over the Damascus sword.

  YALENA

  Thank you.

  XANDER

  You’re…

  XANDER falls down dead.

  Beat.

  EUNO

  Harpies gone yet?

  DORIS

  Yeah, man. They’re gone.

  EUNO feels the dead body as HE stands up.

  EUNO

  Xander? Ah! You’ve defeated him, just as I prophesized. Good work.

  YALENA

  Thanks…I guess.

  DORIS

  You got the sword. Cool. Now what?

  YALENA

  We go save Prince Cosmo.

  EUNO

  [to Audience] Or so we think.

  YALENA

  What?

  EUNO

  Nothing.

  YALENA

  Let’s go.

  DORIS

  Okay.

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS exit.

  EUNO (OS)

  Doris, you have any more of those mushrooms?

  YALENA (OS)

  You’ve had enough!

  END ACT I, SCENE III

  ACT I, SCENE IV

  A
longside a road on a trail. EUNO and DORIS are circled around a warm, dying fire that matches perfectly to the cool and star-filled sky. EUNO eats pieces of meat stuck on a stick and is holding another in the other hand. DORIS is eating a carrot.

  DORIS

  How's that leprechaun?

  EUNO

  A little green.

  EUNO continues to eat the meat.

  DORIS

  So...you can see the future, right?

  EUNO

  Sure can.

  DORIS

  Like how good are you?

  EUNO

  I know exactly what you'll say next.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  Dude, you can't know what people are thinking. That's a part of who they are in the universe...

  DORIS

  Dude, you can't know what people are thinking. That's a part of who they are in the universe...

  DORIS (CONT.)

  Awesome!

  EUNO

  I know.

  DORIS

  Yeah, you know, Euno.

  EUNO

  I do.

  DORIS

  You're cool man. You can see everything. I’ll always trust in you to know the truth, man.

  EUNO

  As you should. Go to sleep. You need to rest, Yalena.

  DORIS

  Dude, I'm Doris.

  EUNO

  Eh. Close enough.

  YALENA enters with more wood for the fire, the Enchanted Damascus Sword in the hilt on HER belt.

  YALENA

  These are all the sticks left I could find.

  YALENA puts down the wood. EUNO hands the uneaten stick of meat to YALENA.

  YALENA

  I still can't believe it. I beat him. I beat Xander! Xander the great, the brave, the magificent-

  DORIS

  -the dead.

  YALENA

  Yes, I feel bad about that.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  I beat Xander! I, me, Yalena, castle servant, knick-knack duster, toilet bowl cleaner...me!

  EUNO

  I told you.

  YALENA

  I have the Enchanted Damascus Sword. I can save Prince Cosmo.

  DORIS laughs.

  YALENA

  What's so funny?

  DORIS

  After you save him, then what are you going to do to him?

  YALENA

  What do you mean?

  DORIS and EUNO laugh.

  YALENA (CONT.)

  What?

  DORIS

  You gonna kiss him on the lips?

  YALENA

  What?! I don't...I-I-I-I don't know if...you think he'd kiss me back?

  DORIS

  Ask Euno.

  YALENA

  Euno?

  Beat.

  EUNO

  Maybe.

  YALENA

  Maybe? You should know, shouldn't you?

  EUNO

  I do, but I also fall for the "harpy" trick every time.

  DORIS

  True.

  YALENA

  It'd be nice if it happens.

  EUNO

  You'll know soon enough after you defeat the evil witch Mastidia, world famous for grinding up human bones and making the best soup bread this side of the haunted forest.

  SFX: Eerie screams.

  DORIS

  Yeah. Most the ghosts around here were done in by her, doomed to walk the Earth in eternal purgatory, screaming and crying about their painful deaths, hoping for a chance of revenge on anyone sad enough to walk in their paths.

  EUNO

  Yes. She's very famous for that too.

  SFX: Eerie screams.

  DORIS

  And everyone knows about her animal rights work with the flesh-eating, poison-spine-covered eels in her swamp that she helped tame and train to kill on command.

  SFX: Animal screech.

  EUNO

  And her environmental acts to save the demon-spawn tree folk that walk the land in search of new souls to drag down to Hades.

  SFX: Tree limbs moving.

  YALENA takes out the Enchanted Damascus Sword and throws it down on the ground.

  YALENA

  I'm done for.

  EUNO feels around for the sword and hands it back to YALENA.

  EUNO

  What? No. You're not dead.

  DORIS

  Yeah, you'll make it. We all will.

  YALENA

  You sure about that?

  DORIS

  ...yes?

  Beat.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  Hey, I got an idea. I'll play you a song. It'll calm you down. Promise.

  YALENA

  I don't know if I'm in the mood right now.

  DORIS searches in HER pouch.

  DORIS

  Everyone's in the mood for song. Tell you what. I have some shrooms left that are like...four times better than my usual stash.

  EUNO

  Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!

  YALENA

  Are they safe?

  DORIS

  They can't hurt.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  What do I have to lose?

  DORIS

  Groovy.

  DORIS hands some mushrooms out and THEY all eat.

  YALENA

  These aren't bad at all. They're very tasty.

  EUNO

  Are these Blue Mermaid Sea Kelp?

  DORIS

  Nope, but close. They're Fire Pixie Baby Toes. Got these from a Cyclops who practically lives in the stuff.

  EUNO

  I should have known.

  DORIS

  And when I say he lives in the stuff, I mean he actually lives in the stuff. He made a bed of it and gets to sleep on it every night.

  EUNO

  Lucky one-eyed oaf.

  YALENA

  Am I suppose to feel all…woooooaaaaaah!

  THEY all start to react to the mushrooms, seeing illusions and experiencing chemical euphoria.

  EUNO

  I can see sound.

  DORIS

  Really? What's that like, man?

  EUNO

  I don't know. I'm blind.

  THEY all laugh.

  YALENA

  I'm feeling...feeling...feeling...what's that word?

  EUNO

  Good?

  YALENA

  Yes. That' word. That's what I'm feeling right now. Gooooood.

  DORIS

  Cool. Let's s add some good tunes with these good vibes.

  DORIS gets HER ukulele and tunes it.

  YALENA

  What is that?

  DORIS

  A ukulele.

  EUNO

  Is it a baby guitar?

  DORIS

  Nah, but it looks like it. It might be one.

  YALENA

  Where did you find it?

  DORIS

  The internet.

  DORIS finishes tuning it.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  Ready?

  EUNO

  Let's hear the baby guitar sing.

  DORIS

  I call this song...Cronus' Eye Drops.

  YALENA

  Good title.

  DORIS

  Or "My Song". I can’t decide.

  YALENA

  Good title.

  DORIS

  The sun people soar through space

  Feeling the sound waves from the face

  Of the eternal love.

  EUNO

  Eternal love.

  DORIS

  They're planting seeds for a newborn star

  It's gonna shine out light afar

  And rain down from above.

  EUNO

  From above.

  YALENA

  I can feel the rain.

  DORIS

  I know the universe

  And I accept this giving curse.

  I can
't tell what's really real

  You should trust what you feel.

  YALENA

  I trust everything I feel.

  EUNO

  Who am I feeling right now?

  DORIS

  The plants all have faces too

  They're purple, red, green, and blue

  And they know how to smile

  EUNO

  How to smile.

  DORIS

  A comet lands in their left eye

  But they don't yell or even cry

  The pain won't last awhile.

  EUNO

  Won't last awhile.

  YALENA

  No pain. No pain.

  DORIS

  I know the universe

  And I accept this giving curse.

  I can't tell what's really real

  You should trust what you feel.

  YALENA

  I feel everything.

  EUNO

  I was feeling me all along.

  DORIS

  But if you lose your way-ay-ay

  You know you don't have to stay-ay-ay

  Look at the sky and pray, pray, pray

  Till you feel the light of day.