You Know The Story Read online

  EUNO

  Light of day.

  YALENA

  The light of day.

  DORIS

  The cosmic waves will ride on by

  To give you a new kind of high

  Connection between the souls

  They know who you really are

  Like a guiding north star

  Handing you life goals.

  I know the universe

  And I accept this giving curse.

  I can't tell what's really real

  You should trust what you feel.

  DORIS puts the ukulele away.

  EUNO

  That was beautiful.

  YALENA

  It really was. I didn't understand all your lyrics, but I felt how pretty they were. You know?

  EUNO

  What?

  DORIS

  Thanks.

  Beat.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  I'm gonna pass out now.

  DORIS suddenly falls asleep.

  YALENA

  That's a great idea. Let me try that.

  YALENA suddenly falls asleep. EUNO looks at the others, shrugs, and falls asleep too.

  Beat.

  The Monkey Twins HEBE and STEVE enter. HEBE and STEVE are mischievous, edgy, petty creatures whom barely hold each other as allies. Given the chance, THEY'll steal and cheat anyone possible, and constantly do.

  THEY whisper and smack THEMSELVES for awhile and then search the area.

  HEBE

  [Whispered] Steve.

  STEVE is fascinated by a stick of meat.

  HEBE

  Steve.

  STEVE tastes the meat and spits it out. HEBE slaps STEVE.

  STEVE

  Stop it!

  HEBE

  You stop it!

  STEVE

  No! You stop it!

  THEY get into a shushing contest, but soon go quiet. THEY argue silently and go back to searching.

  STEVE finds the Enchanted Damascus Sword, and HEBE finds the bag of mushrooms.

  STEVE

  [Whispered] Hebe.

  HEBE smells the mushroom.

  STEVE

  Hebe.

  HEBE licks the mushroom and hates the taste. STEVE slaps HEBE.

  HEBE

  Why you hit me?

  STEVE

  I find it!

  HEBE

  You find it?

  STEVE

  I find it.

  HEBE

  You find it!

  HEBE tries to grab the sword, but STEVE jerks back.

  STEVE

  No! Mine!

  HEBE

  No! Mine!

  THEY have a tug-o-war with the sword.

  STEVE

  Mine!

  HEBE

  Mine!

  EUNO wakes up.

  EUNO

  Who’s there? Who’s there? I know who’s there!

  HEBE and STEVE freeze.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  You...are...a plot device!

  EUNO suddenly falls back asleep.

  STEVE

  What he say?

  HEBE

  Don't care. Let's go.

  STEVE

  Go now.

  HEBE and STEVE run away.

  The morning comes, waking up YALENA and DORIS up. YALENA searches for the sword.

  DORIS

  Those were some crazy dreams, man. I was running away from a yellow gnome with sharp teeth. I think he wanted to chop me up and make me eat his brown sugar cookies or something. And I was like, "Dude, don't push your baked goods on me! That's fascist!" He said he was a Socialist, but he didn't fool-

  YALENA

  -Where's the sword?

  DORIS looks around.

  DORIS

  Don't know.

  YALENA

  Where's the sword?

  DORIS

  Not so loud, man. Ask Euno.

  YALENA

  Euno.

  EUNO moves a little. YALENA shakes HIM awake.

  YALENA (CONT.)

  Euno!

  EUNO

  "I can't watch this whole thing. I really need to use the bathroom. Who makes a musical about fantasy worlds these days anyhow? I can't believe my wife-"

  YALENA shakes EUNO again.

  YALENA

  Euno, wake up!

  EUNO

  Yes! I'm here. I'm awake. What do you need?

  YALENA

  Where's the sword?

  EUNO

  It's stolen.

  YALENA

  Stolen?! Who stole it?

  EUNO

  The Monkey Twins.

  YALENA

  The...are you still asleep?

  EUNO

  Nope. The Monkey Twins stole the sword. They stole it last night.

  DORIS

  I know those guys. They owe me money.

  YALENA

  (to EUNO) Why didn't you stop them?

  EUNO

  ...I'm blind. What do you expect me to do?

  DORIS

  I know where they live.

  YALENA

  You do?

  DORIS

  Yeah. They shack up with this troll named Precious.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  Precious?

  DORIS

  She's real big. Like, the only reason why I haven't got my money yet, real big.

  YALENA

  I don't care how big she is. We're getting that sword back now.

  DORIS

  Now?

  YALENA

  Yes now!

  DORIS

  Harsh.

  YALENA

  Euno, let's go!

  EUNO

  Are you sure you're ready to fight Precious the Troll? The same troll who ate an entire-

  YALENA

  -I don't need to know what she's done in the past. I know she has my sword and that's enough. I'm going to go in her house and-

  DORIS

  -cave. She lives in a cave.

  YALENA

  Her cave…and get back what's mine!

  EUNO

  Good for you.

  YALENA

  Let's go!

  THEY all get up and get ready to go. YALENA exits first.

  DORIS

  [Whispered] I'm not sure about this. Precious is really big.

  EUNO

  No worries. We have the heroine of this story on our side.

  DORIS

  I told you, man. That stuff's too harsh for-

  YALENA (OS)

  Come on!

  DORIS and EUNO exit.

  END ACT I, SCENE IV

  ACT I, SCENE V

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS enter the cave of PRECIOUS. It is dark, foreboding, and adorned with the bones and skins of the dead.

  YALENA

  [to PRECIOUS] Come on out, you thief holder!

  DORIS

  Woah! I mean, maybe you should...like, be nicer or something. Precious is really big.

  YALENA

  Any bigger than that idiot Xander?

  DORIS

  Well, yeah. Euno tell her. You've seen Precious before, right?

  Beat.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  Oh, right. The blind thing. Sorry.

  YALENA

  [to Precious] Come on out! I want my sword back now!

  HEBE and STEVE sneak up behind DORIS and EUNO near the entrance of the cave.

  DORIS

  This is a bad idea, man.

  STEVE

  Bad idea!

  HEBE

  Bad, bad!

  DORIS

  It's a trap!

  YALENA

  The Monkey Twins?!

  DORIS

  Let's get out of here!

  EUNO and DORIS start to run to the other side of the cave until PRECIOUS can be heard.

  PRECIOUS is as large as SHE is intimidating and has a reputation of killing first, then e
ating, and then not caring to ask questions later. With every step SHE takes, all fear the resulting earthquakes.

  PRECIOUS (OS)

  Who dares enter my cave?

  YALENA

  I do. What exactly do you have to say about it?

  PRECIOUS enters.

  YALENA

  Wow. She is really big.

  DORIS

  Told you.

  PRECIOUS

  I will smash you and cook you and eat you all!

  HEBE

  Smash!

  STEVE

  Cook!

  HEBE

  Eat!

  EUNO

  You all!

  Beat.

  PRECIOUS

  Die!

  PRECIOUS move towards YALENA.

  YALENA

  Wait!

  PRECIOUS stops.

  HEBE

  No wait!

  STEVE

  Kill, kill!

  YALENA

  I'm sorry that we've bothered you, Precious. You're obviously a person with very little time on her hands. If we could get our sword back from your roomates, we'll leave immediately and never bother you again.

  PRECIOUS

  I keep sword!

  YALENA

  Okay, that's fine. You can have it. What was I thinking? I have more back at home. We'll be on our way now, and you enjoy your new sword.

  HEBE and STEVE continue to block the way.

  PRECIOUS

  No leaving! I kill you all!

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS all scream as PRECIOUS prepares to smash THEM.

  SFX: Cell phone ringing.

  ALL look at the audience disapprovingly until PRECIOUS pulls out HER cell phone.

  PRECIOUS

  Oh, it’s mine. Sorry.

  PRECIOUS answers the phone.

  PRECIOUS (CONT.)

  Hello, snuggins. Is my little cuttie bum dressing up for the dance competition?...What?...What?!...But you said you go with me!...No!!!

  PRECIOUS stomps on the ground.

  PRECIOUS (CONT.)

  Yes, I'm mad! I told all my friends I was going with the troll, and now you say you're not going?...You're going with Morline, aren't you?..Don't try to lie to me! You...I...Go and take Morline to the dance and the both of you can get torched by a Lava Yak for all I care. We're over!!!

  PRECIOUS hangs up the phone.

  Long Beat.

  YALENA

  Can we go now?

  PRECIOUS

  Who cares?

  STEVE

  But what about smash?

  HEBE

  And cook?

  STEVE

  And-

  PRECIOUS

  -I SAID WHO CARES!!!

  HEBE and STEVE cower on the ground. PRECIOUS pouts in the corner.

  DORIS

  Uh, let's...go. Like, now.

  DORIS and EUNO start to leave, but YALENA can't ignore PRECIOUS' pain. YALENA sits down by PRECIOUS.

  YALENA

  So he left you for another woman...troll?

  PRECIOUS

  Maybe. What do you care?

  DORIS motions for EUNO to leave YALENA behind, but YALENA stays.

  YALENA

  You really like him, don't you?

  PRECIOUS

  Kind of.

  YALENA

  He'll come around. And if he doesn't, so what? You're...handsome enough. You'll find someone new.

  PRECIOUS

  You don't understand. He's going with her because his parents think he can do better than me. I feel so worthless.

  YALENA

  Why? What does she have that you don't?

  PRECIOUS

  You want to know what she has that I don’t?

  YALENA

  Yes.

  PRECIOUS

  Do you?!

  YALENA

  Yes!

  PRECIOUS

  Okay, I’ll tell you!

  PRECIOUS

  I have a finger bone necklace.

  She has four.

  I have a griffin pelt coat.

  Her's are minotaur.

  I can crush a human head

  In my hairy hands.

  She can do the same thing

  But not stain her pants.

  I'm sick and tired of Morline

  Stealing all my boyfriends

  She's ugly and mean

  A man troll's dream.

  STEVE

  She's a-

  HEBE

  -tramp. She's full of-

  STEVE

  -crap. She's a-

  HEBE

  -teaser. She's a-

  STEVE

  -pleaser.

  STEVE

  When we see her walking by

  We want to punch her lights out

  And rip out her spine.

  HEBE

  When we see her walking by

  We want to punch her lights out

  And rip out her spine.

  PRECIOUS

  I wish she would die.

  YALENA

  Don't worry about Morline

  She is nothing new.

  Your man is only confused

  He really needs you.

  His parents don't know what's best

  Follow your huge heart.

  Come out and say you love him

  Don't you fall apart.

  No one can say how to feel

  You love when you're fated to

  All your pain will heal

  Stop feeling blue.

  HEBE

  You're a-

  STEVE

  -catch. You're a-

  HEBE

  -keeper. You're the-

  STEVE

  -best. He really-

  HEBE

  -needs you.

  HEBE

  Never give up on your guy

  Morline can think she has him

  But we know just why

  STEVE

  Never give up on your guy

  Morline can think she has him

  But we know just why

  PRECIOUS

  He's only mine.

  PRECIOUS

  So...ignoring the song, you really think Snotter will come back to me?

  YALENA

  If you...his name is Snotter? If you tell him how you feel, I don't see how he can say no.

  Beat.

  PRECIOUS stands up and hugs YALENA

  PRECIOUS

  Thank you.

  YALENA

  You're very welcome. Are you going to let us live now?

  PRECIOUS

  I guess.

  DORIS

  Yes!

  HEBE

  No!

  STEVE

  No!

  EUNO

  I was never worried.

  PRECIOUS

  Get out before I eat you.

  DORIS starts to leave.

  YALENA

  Wait.

  PRECIOUS

  Yes?

  YALENA

  I need the Enchanted Damascus Sword the Monkey Twins stole from us.

  HEBE

  No!

  STEVE

  It's ours!

  PRECIOUS

  You can have it.

  HEBE

  What?

  STEVE

  Why?

  PRECIOUS

  [to HEBE and STEVE] Because you're driving me insane! "It's mine", "No, it's mine." Now it's no one's. Happy?

  HEBE

  No.

  STEVE

  No.

  PRECIOUS

  Tough.

  Beat.

  PRECIOUS (CONT.)

  (to YALENA) I wasn't kidding about the 'eating you' thing.

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS crowd around near the exit.

  YALENA

  Now that we have the sword, we can finally save Prince Cosmo.

  EUNO

  We better. I know the ending to this story, and I'm getting a
nxious.

  DORIS

  Let's get out of here, man.

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS exit.

  HEBE

  Unfair!

  STEVE

  Unfair!

  HEBE

  It was-

  STEVE

  -Ours! All-

  HEBE

  -Ours!

  PRECIOUS knocks HEBE and STEVE's heads together and THEY pass out.

  PRECIOUS

  I said shut up!

  Beat.

  PRECIOUS (CONT.)

  I wonder what monkey stew tastes like.

  END ACT I, SCENE V

  ACT I, SCENE VI

  MASTIDIA's house. It is damp, muggy, and all sorts of unpleasantness perfect for growing mold and bacteria. There is a main door and another door to the magical ingredients storage.

  COSMO is sitting patiently in a very large cauldron, and MASTIDIA nearby in deep thought.

  MASTIDIA

  So...under ye new form of government, I'd petition the ruling of the council of elected representatives, and if I obtained a pre-determined number of signatures on said petition, there'd be a new bill to vote on. If these representatives-