You Know The Story Read online

Why didn’t she just fly in the window the first time?

  HILLARY

  Leander, save your son!

  LEANDER

  How? She can fly and throw me around in the air.

  YALENA

  Like a rag doll.

  LEANDER

  Like a rag doll. She must be magic. How can I fight that?

  Beat.

  HILLARY

  The blind prophet.

  LEANDER

  The blind prophet.

  YALENA

  The blind prophet.

  LEANDER

  (to YALENA) Go and get…Euno, the Blind Prophet!

  YALENA exits.

  HILLARY

  Will Euno be able to help us? Will he bring back our son?

  LEANDER

  Maybe. A blind prophet has to be useful for something.

  YALENA enters, helping EUNO enter the room. EUNO waves at the audience.

  EUNO

  Hello everyone! Enjoying this tale of adventure so far?

  HILLARY

  (to LEANDER) Who is he talking to?

  LEANDER shakes HIS head.

  LEANDER

  Euno, my blind prophet, seer of all that can’t be seen, my son has-

  EUNO

  -I know. I know. I wasn’t cast as the blind prophet in this story for nothing.

  HILLARY

  What do we do? How do we save my boy?

  EUNO wanders around the room, trying to feel the threads of fate.

  EUNO

  I see…

  YALENA

  What?

  EUNO

  I see…

  HILLARY

  What?

  EUNO

  I see…

  LEANDER

  What do you see?

  EUNO

  Nothing. I’m the blind prophet, remember?

  EUNO laughs.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  That’s a good one.

  LEANDER

  I demand you-

  EUNO

  -Wait! I can feel the Fates speaking through me.

  YALENA

  What are they saying?

  EUNO

  They say…Prince Cosmo is a prisoner. He is being held by the evil witch Mastidia…in a…really, really smelly bog. Peeyou!

  HILLARY

  What else are they saying?

  EUNO

  They say…the only way to break the witche’s magic…is with the Enchanted Damascus Sword of Xander the Barbarian Warrior!

  SFX: thunder and wind.

  LEANDER

  Xander? The fearless warrior of the Dragon Wastelands, the champion of the Wyvren Graveyard, the slayer of a hundred undead armies, the-

  YALENA

  -yeah, yeah, yeah, lots of other fancy names too. How do we get Prince Cosmo back?

  EUNO

  We need someone brave…someone clever…someone…

  EUNO feels for energies around the other three in the room. HE points towards LEANDER and YALENA’s direction.

  LEANDER

  Me?

  EUNO

  No, not you! Her.

  EUNO points to YALENA.

  YALENA

  Me?

  HILLARY

  Her?

  LEANDER

  Her?

  EUNO

  Her? Oh yeah. That’s right. Uh-huh. Her.

  YALENA

  Are you sure?

  EUNO

  Sure as sure can be sure.

  LEANDER

  But she’s my servant! How can she defeat the great Xander when I can’t even do it?

  EUNO

  The Fates know what they’re talking about, [to Audience] and I don’t want to let go of secret plot points this early in the story.

  Beat.

  LEANDER

  Who is he talking to?

  LEANDER grabs at EUNO.

  LEANDER (CONT.)

  I am your king! Tell me all you know!

  EUNO

  That is all I know, you know. You know?

  HILLARY calms down LEANDER’s grasp.

  HILLARY

  Euno has always helped us and given us good advice. If he says Yalena can get the sword and save Cosmo, then I believe him.

  LEANDER

  Fine, but he’s going with her.

  YALENA

  I don’t want to go. I’m not a warrior. I dust walls and was floors and…and clean toilet bowls as people are using them. I don’t know anything about saving people. I can’t do it!

  LEANDER

  Yalena…the Fates have chosen you…chosen you…to save my son. If Euno says you can do it, then you can do it. I guess.

  YALENA

  Really?

  LEANDER

  And if you don’t, I’ll order your beheading.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  So Euno, are you ready for a rescuing?

  EUNO

  You know I am.

  HILLARY

  May you travel well and find our son quickly.

  YALENA

  Yeah. I hope so too.

  EUNO waves at the audience.

  EUNO

  See you in the next scene.

  YALENA

  Come on.

  EUNO and YALENA exit.

  HILLARY

  Leander, do you think they can do it? Can they save Cosmo?

  LEANDER

  I don’t know. I just don’t know.

  END ACT I, SCENE I

  ACT I, SCENE II

  In dark and dangerous woods. The clawed shadows move closer and closer, hungry eyes can be felt from every angle, and sounds of the nightlife are both pleasing and frightening.

  YALENA enters, leading EUNO along the way. YALENA is carrying a small sword and shield, obviously the only weapons light enough for HER to carry, and EUNO carries their supplies on HIS back.

  YALENA

  I hear Sheppardsville is a nice place to stay.

  EUNO

  If you’re a Sheppard, yes. If you’re a sheep, no. Why do you want to know?

  YALENA

  Oh…I was thinking of moving there. As a Sheppard. Not as a sheep.

  EUNO

  But what’s in Sheppardsville?

  YALENA

  A place to hide.

  EUNO

  Why hide? This is fun!

  YALENA

  Fun? Fun?!? We’re on a mission to save Prince Cosmo from a flying, very smelly witch with an enchanted sword I have to steal or win or whatever from the mighty Xander, killer of dragons and zombies! I have to do all this! Me!

  EUNO

  Fun, huh?

  YALENA

  Maybe there’s a town called Get-Lost-Ville.

  EUNO

  There is, and it’s infested with harpies. Evil, nasty creatures. They give me the willies. But what about Prince Cosmo? I hear the way you talk about him to your friends.

  YALENA

  Or a They’ll-Never-Find-Me-Hollow?

  EUNO

  I hear the way he talks about you too.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  He’s a Prince.

  EUNO

  He’s a man.

  YALENA

  I’m a servant.

  EUNO

  You’re a woman.

  YALENA

  I’m no one.

  EUNO

  You’re someone to him.

  EUNO

  So the man of your dreams is a Prince,

  And his high social class makes you tense,

  But you know in your heart

  Don’t let rules make you part

  From the man you are meant to be with.

  His father is a warrior king.

  His mother is a beautiful queen.

  But they aren’t quite as sharp

  As a servant with smarts

  And whose family was never inbred.

  Don’t be fooled by your head.

  Without your heart, yo
u are dead.

  Let yourself fall in love,

  Even if it’s with a Prince who was kidnapped by an evil witch who flew down from above.

  YALENA

  But that’s just it! Cosmo is kidnapped, and I’m on a quest to save him. Me! I’m not a soldier or a wizard or even a man. What chance do I have to save him?

  So you’ve been sent on a mission to save

  And you think only men can be brave,

  But have you seen a man

  Do the things that you can

  Like listen to royalty whine?

  You’re no worse off than ten armies

  With well armored, supplied infantries.

  They are ruled by one man

  Who cannot understand

  Why his son cannot stop from dancing.

  Be brave, strong, and have courage.

  Allow your pride to flourish.

  The Fates have chosen you

  And I’d pick up your sword and defend ups from the goblin I can smell standing over there.

  YALENA

  What?

  EUNO

  He’s over that way.

  DORIS enters. DORIS is at first glance a horrid, dangerous creature born of a vicious race and bent on self-satisfaction. However, SHE is actually quite calm. So calm that SHE can rightfully claim to be the first pacifist of HER species…ever. SHE carries a strapped ukulele and a pouch full of mushrooms.

  DORIS

  Hey.

  YALENA guards EUNO from DORIS.

  YALENA

  What do you want from us?

  DORIS

  Well, like…you see, you’re in my clan’s territory, and..uh…you’re making lots of noise, talking and singing and…stuff. And we got rules against that.

  Beat.

  YALENA

  I apologize?

  DORIS

  Yeah, that’d do it for me, but…my family…

  DORIS points to the shadows amongst the trees.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  They’re pretty big on following the rules, and uh…they want me to kill you guys.

  YALENA

  You…I’ll kill you first!

  DORIS

  Man, that’s harsh, but I don’t blame you or anything. It’s not your fault. It’s…them. Man! This is not cool. Not cool at all.

  EUNO

  Then don’t kill us.

  DORIS

  I know. That’s what I wanna do… but my family, they’re making me do this. Suppose to make a real goblin out of me or something.

  YALENA

  If you don’t want to kill us, not saying that I’d wouldn’t kill your first-

  DORIS

  -Right, right.

  YALENA

  -then don’t kill us.

  DORIS

  Well…

  DORIS sits down and takes a mushroom out of HER pouch and licks it.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  If I don’t, then they’ll get mad. Like, really really mad. Like “throw me over a fire and eat me” mad.

  EUNO

  Harsh.

  DORIS

  I know.

  DORIS hands the mushroom over to YALENA.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  Lick a shroom?

  YALENA

  Wha-what?

  EUNO

  I’ll take a shroom or two.

  YALENA

  No, don’t eat it!

  EUNO

  It’s only a mushroom.

  DORIS

  Yeah, it’s not poisonous or anything. I’m eating it. You’ll be cool.

  EUNO takes two mushrooms, gives one over to YALENA, and then licks on the other. YALENA stares at hers.

  EUNO

  (to YALENA) It’s a Stardust Mistletoe Shroom. Makes you calm and see all the works of the Fates at once.

  YALENA

  As if you need any more of that.

  EUNO licks the mushroom

  YALENA (CONT.)

  So…why don’t you want to kill us? I thought goblins were all mean and evil creatures, born to kill and burn stuff down.

  DORIS

  We are. I’m just different. You see, I was walking in this forest and I saw this chipmunk eating these mushrooms. He like…spaced out and laid on the ground. His eyes were all wide, like he was looking at the face of the Gods, man. So I ate him. Then…I saw what he saw. It was beautiful. I saw everything connected to everything, and when I hurt something else, I’m hurting me too. So…I told myself from that day on, I’d be cool to everything: chipmunk, human, goblin, tree, rock, sky, grass-

  YALENA

  Then why are you planning on killing us?

  DORIS

  That’s not me. That’s my family. They said they’d do the whole “disembowel and boil” thing to me if I don’t.

  EUNO

  Well then. I don’t blame you.

  DORIS

  Thanks man. My name’s Doris.

  EUNO

  I’m Euno.

  DORIS

  No, man. I don’t.

  EUNO

  No, I’m Euno.

  DORIS

  I don’t know man. That’s why I asked you.

  EUNO

  And I’m telling you. I’m Euno.

  Beat.

  DORIS laughs.

  DORIS

  You’re freaking me out, man.

  YALENA

  I’m Yalena. I’m a servant girl for the Atalante Kingdom.

  DORIS

  Cool. What are you doing in my woods?

  YALENA

  Our prince was kidnapped by the old witch Mastidia, and Euno here says the Fates say I’m the only one who can save him.

  DORIS

  Awesome. So…you’re like a hero or something, right?

  EUNO

  A heroine.

  DORIS

  No thanks, man. That stuff’s too harsh for me.

  YALENA

  I guess. Suppose I’m destined for greatness…or a nasty, painful death.

  DORIS

  Cool. Hey, you think…

  DORIS looks around, and then motions for the others to lean in.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  [Whispered] You think I could come with you?

  YALENA

  [Whispered] Why would you want to do that?

  DORIS

  I don’t really want to kill you. Plus, my family’s not all that cool with me and my mushrooms and my music.

  EUNO

  What do you play?

  DORIS whips around the ukulele.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  Cool.

  DORIS

  Right?

  YALENA

  But you might die if you follow me.

  DORIS

  Dying’s alright with me, man, but I want to die doing what I love, not what other people want. You know?

  EUNO

  What?

  YALENA

  I guess I understand that.

  DORIS

  So can I come?

  Beat.

  YALENA

  Sure. Just don’t eat us in our sleep, okay?

  DORIS

  I’m down with that.

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS collect THEIR stuff and exit.

  EUNO (OS)

  Good thing we got a move on before the scene transition.

  END ACT I, SCENE II

  ACT I, SCENE III

  XANDER is yelling to a defeated enemy who has crawled away.

  XANDER is a beast of a man; iron muscles, great stature, and a thunderous voice that shakes the trees. HIS simple code of honor keeps HIM dutiful and respectable…and foolish.

  XANDER

  Ha-ha! Crawl away, you coward! You were a fool to challenge me to a duel!

  YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS enter. XANDER doesn’t notice them.

  XANDER (CONT.)

  The next time you swing your sword at me, I’ll do you a favor and cut off your other arm and save your life a second time!

>   YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS try to sneak off, but XANDER notices this time.

  XANDER (CONT.)

  What, more wives? Send your daughters away, old man. I have no need of women.

  YALENA

  He’s not our father, and I’m not here to marry you.

  XANDER

  Who are you?

  YALENA

  Well…uh-

  XANDER

  Who are you?

  EUNO

  I am the famous Blind Prophet Euno, voice of the Fates and seer of their works.

  XANDER

  I have heard tales of you. Shake my hand, old man. You honor me with your visit.

  EUNO holds out a hand.

  EUNO

  Well I’m happy to meet you too. You have a strong and painful handshake there!

  XANDER

  Thanks. And who are these women you bring? Your slaves?

  YALENA

  I’m not a slave. I’m an indentured servant!

  DORIS

  But you see, a slave is someone who’s indentured to serve someone else, man. There’s no difference between the two. The only thing that separates them is one’s a lie and the other’s the ugly truth. Both are wrong, but it’s up to you to put and end to them both.

  Beat.