Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero Read online

DEION

  Sure.

  ACTOR hugs DEION.

  DEION

  I really wish you wouldn’t hug me. [half-beat] And when you fail--

  ACTOR

  If I fail.

  DEION

  If you fail, you can always go live with your mother and that asshole Sokerts. I'm sure he'll love your need to prove everyone wrong about everything.

  ACTOR

  Thank you, Dad. You won't regret this.

  DEION

  I'm pretty sure I will, but at least this mistake is one I’ll see coming. Not like that bald-headed, fat "philosopher" and his posse of high-class idiots. You know, one day he's going to piss off the wrong person, and when that happens, you can bet your sweet--

  ACTOR

  Sorry, dad, but I have to go. I'll send you postcards!

  DEION

  Please don't.

  ACTOR

  Goodbye!

  DEION exits. ACTOR, aside to audience.

  ACTOR

  And so it began. Well, not the exact way I wanted it to. You heard my dad say he had connections in the Hero Union, right? That wasn't entirely true. He did have connections. Just not the right ones.

  ACTOR puts the crown into the bag.

  The place is not nearly as grand as ACTOR had imagined it. The walls are cracked, the floor is dirty, and there's some unusual smell that you can't quite put your finger on...its molded cheese! ACTOR looks around.

  ACTOR

  This is not what I had in mind for the Hero Union. I expected something a little less...”feels like a sewer” atmosphere.

  FERGUS enters. HE is an overweight, ill-tempered desk accountant who is simply waiting for the day HE finally dies by natural causes. FERGUS sits on the other side of the table and writes on HIS forms.

  FERGUS

  What were you expecting? The Parthenon?

  ACTOR

  No, not that. I just dont--

  FERGUS

  Sit down!

  ACTOR

  Okay.

  ACTOR sits down.

  FERGUS

  Name?

  ACTOR

  What?

  FERGUS

  Your name? What is it?

  ACTOR

  Ohhh, my name. I thought you wanted me to guess your name. [half-beat] Never mind. Bad joke.

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  Name?!

  ACTOR

  It's Actor. Actor.

  FERGUS

  Not previous occupation. Name.

  ACTOR

  My name is Actor.

  FERGUS

  Really? You had some cruel parents, son.

  ACTOR

  Actually, it's a traditional family name--

  FERGUS

  Occupation?

  ACTOR

  I..don't know. I guess prince. My father's King of Phocus. I'd be king too one day, but I have like five illegitimate brothers before me, so I'd have to kill them all before I'd be king, and I have no idea where they all are, and it's just too big a problem to deal with. You know what I'm saying?

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  [Writing; to HIMSELF] Occupation...Comedian.

  ACTOR

  No, I said--

  FERGUS

  Comedian!

  ACTOR

  Okay. I'm good with that.

  FERGUS

  So, Actor the Comedian, why do you want to be a sidekick?

  ACTOR

  I don't.

  FERGUS

  You don't?

  ACTOR

  No. I want to be a hero.

  FERGUS

  You? A hero? [snorts] You are a comedian.

  ACTOR

  I'm telling the truth.

  FERGUS

  You can't be a hero right away. You have to go through the proper procedures, training colleges, and accreditations. And before all of that, you have to be a sidekick.

  ACTOR

  Is this not the Hero Union building?

  FERGUS

  No. It's the Sidekick Alliance Guild.

  ACTOR

  You mean SAG?

  FERGUS

  That's what I said.

  ACTOR, aside to the audience, shakes HIS head as if to say, “Really?”

  ACTOR

  Sooooo...what do I have to have in order to be a sidekick?

  FERGUS

  Nothing.

  ACTOR

  Oh, good. I already have nothing.

  FERGUS

  But it helps if you have special talents.

  ACTOR

  Like what?

  FERGUS

  I don't know, kid. Are you good with a sword or something?

  ACTOR

  I'm a wizard when it comes to finding the perfect light angles for an atrium.

  Beat.

  FERGUS

  Can I be honest with you?

  ACTOR

  Have you been lying to me so far? [half-beat] Sorry, another bad joke. I'm nervous.

  FERGUS

  You look like the kind of guy who'll fall on his sword ten minutes after you walk out that door. In fact, I'm thinking of putting a bet on that. Us guys at the office have a pool for guys like you. It's called the "Holding an Egg over a Frying Pan" pool. You get what I'm saying?

  ACTOR

  Look, I want to be a hero. I don't want to be anything else, but if I have to be a sidekick to do it, then that's what I'll do.

  FERGUS looks through HIS papers.

  FERGUS

  Okay. If you really, really want to be in this business, I got a call for new hires. Jason's got this boat called the Argos, and he needs a bunch of men to help him get the Golden Fleece or Silver Pig Skin or something like that. And you'd---

  ACTOR

  The Jason? The Jason?! When everyone sees me fight beside Jason, they'll have no choice but accept me as a hero. This is great! This is wonderful! I'll be the greatest, strongest, fastest warrior in the entire continent of--

  FERGUS

  You'll be the cook.

  ACTOR

  The what?

  FERGUS

  The cook.

  ACTOR

  As in the “Cooker of Monsters”?

  FERGUS

  As in the “Cooker of Fish”. Look, every boat needs a cook, and I don't think those little twig arms you got can row worth a damn. So, you get to be the cook.

  ACTOR

  Okay. I guess. I mean, at least I'll be on the same boat with Jason. That's something. Is there anything else I can be? Are there any other jobs they need filled?

  FERGUS

  It says that they need some shark bait.

  Beat.

  ACTOR

  Cook it is, then.

  FERGUS

  Wonderful. Congratulations. I really feel this is the life for you. Now, sign here. [ACTOR signs] And here. [ACTOR signs] And here. [ACTOR signs].

  ACTOR

  What'd I just sign?

  FERGUS

  Legal documents saying we're not responsible if you get maimed or killed or eaten. The normal stuff.

  ACTOR

  [a little scared] Yay.

  FERGUS

  Actor, you are now a sidekick. I’m your case worker Fergus, and I—

  ACTOR

  Hello, Mr. Fergus.

  FERGUS

  Hello. Like I was saying, I’m your case worker from now on, and I pray to Zeus for your safe return.

  FERGUS salutes ACTOR, who salutes HIM back. ACTOR leaves.

  FERGUS

  [to the back] Hey, Orthrus, put me down for twenty drachma on the new kid for two hours. I have a good feeling about this one.

  FERGUS exits, and ACTOR returns. ACTOR, aside to audience.

  ACTOR

  So, not a hero right away. A little disappointing, but hey, foot in the door, right? Everyone’s gotta start somewhere. I…started as a cook aboard a ship full of people doomed to die
. I’m not complaining. I’m not. I mean, I was a part of the whole “Jason and the Argonauts” crew. I was an Argonaut, and that counts for something. Right? I think it does.

  ACTOR gets a very small cooking pot and spoon out of his bag and sits down on one of the chairs.

  We had just passed the Symplegades, or “The Clashing Rocks”, and were on our way to save the prophet Phineus, because he could tell us where to find the Golden Fleece. Why were we risking our lives for some expensive goat skin? Something about how Jason needed to prove himself a warrior to some big-headed king, I didn’t really pay attention, but I was along for the ride just the same.

  HE moves as if aboard a boat, swaying back and forth. HE stirs the invisible soup in the pot.

  [to random sailors] And then I said, “Sir, if you’ve got the Midas touch, then you better use it right now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m paying that much for a sack full of rotten apples, even if I was the underworld king Hades!” [laughs] Yeah, and then he started throwing them at me. I didn’t mind, because they weren’t really that rotten. So as he threw, I picked them up and rubbed off the cow crap and ate them right there in front of him. I said to him, “Who looks like the idiot now?” [laughs] Those were some tasty apples. Hey. Hey.

  ACTOR nudges one of the fellow sailors.

  Did I tell you the time I met the god Pan? Just saying, it’s true what they say. That guy’s packing a --

  ACTOR moves as if the boat has just landed on shore.

  ACTOR

  Woah, we hit land already? That was a fast trip, wasn’t guys?

  JASON (OS)

  Be quiet!

  JASON enters. JASON’s the kind of guy every guy wants to be and ever woman wants to be with. HE’s like the high school quarterback, and is just as much of a jerk too.