The Boy Toy Read online

  DEVEREAU

  Don’t open it.

  HELEN

  What’s in it?

  DEVEREAU

  A secret message that only Keith will understand. After opening the letter and reading aloud what’s inside, all subliminal messages I have instilled within him will disappear. He will be as he was before.

  HELEN

  Is this another failsafe? Will it actually work?

  DEVEREAU

  Yes.

  Beat.

  DEVEREAU (CONT.)

  So what change would you like Keith to take this time?

  HELEN

  I don’t know. If I ask him to clean up after himself, is he going to get OCD?

  DEVEREAU

  I could suggest something.

  HELEN

  You would!

  Beat.

  HELEN (CONT.)

  What?

  DEVEREAU

  Most of my fellow female clients request that their male counterparts be a little more emotionally sensitive. As our culture goes, men are not generally caring and open to their opposite sex. Once I make my suggested changes, husbands and boyfriends tend to be more caring and respectful. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?

  HELEN

  Will he try to molest me every time I enter the room?

  DEVEREAU

  He’ll more likely ask your permission for physical contact, and he’ll respect your wishes if you deny him.

  HELEN

  That sounds better.

  Beat.

  HELEN (CONT)

  I swear, if you do anything else to screw him up--

  DEVEREAU

  Please! We’ve settled this already. If something goes wrong, use the failsafe.

  HELEN

  Okay.

  HELEN exits.

  DEVEREAU

  Keith, wake up now.

  DEVEREAU snaps HER fingers. KEITH awakes.

  KEITH

  Where’s Helen?

  DEVEREAU

  She stepped outside of the room, but she’ll be right back. How are you feeling?

  KEITH

  I…feel better and worse than I ever have in my life.

  DEVEREAU starts to untie KEITH.

  DEVEREAU

  How so?

  KEITH

  I feel better when I’m with Helen, and I feel worse when I’m not with her. I just can’t stand being without her.

  DEVEREAU

  Helen informs me that you two have been more physically active than usual.

  KEITH

  She told you that?

  DEVEREAU

  I am a doctor, so your relationship is completely confidential.

  KEITH

  Oh, okay then. I don’t know why. I just feel the need to please her. It’s like I know she’s not happy, but this is the only way I know how to fix it, you know?

  DEVEREAU

  I think I might.

  KEITH is completely untied and goes for HELEN, but DEVEREAU stops HIM.

  DEVEREAU (CONT)

  Wait.

  KEITH

  Why?

  DEVEREAU

  Would you like to try a new relaxation method? You seem a little tired, and I’m sure you can benefit from it.

  KEITH

  No, I’d rather go to Helen now. Excuse me.

  DEVEREAU

  Wait! There are reports that it can completely rejuvenate your stamina and…increase pleasure in the bed.

  Beat.

  KEITH

  Okay. That sounds cool. What do I do?

  DEVEREAU

  Lie down like before.

  KEITH

  Oh, you mean when you hypnotized me. How did last time go? Did I do even funnier stuff.

  DEVEREAU

  You have no idea. Lie down and make yourself comfortable.

  KEITH lies down.

  KEITH

  Just make it quick if you can. I have to get back to Helen. I can’t stand being away from her.

  DEVEREAU

  (whispered) It’s sad she doesn't feel the same way.

  KEITH

  Huh?

  DEVEREAU

  Go ahead close your eyes. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

  Slow fade to black.

  SCENE VII

  Lights up.

  The room has been cleared of the candles, oils, and stereo. BRENDA and JEANINE are in the room enjoying glasses of lemonade, waiting for KEITH to return.

  JEANINE

  You wouldn't believe how many adult stores are in this county alone. My aunt Georgina invested in a chain of them. She says there's good money in it. If so, I wouldn't know anything about that. She's not the generous type. But Georgina swore by them, so I went to this one store called "Mistress' Palace", and they had the most amazing collection of--

  HELEN enters.

  JEANINE

  Hello, Ms. Crabtree!

  HELEN

  It's Ms. Crandall-Crabtree.

  JEANINE

  Close enough.

  HELEN

  Brenda?

  BRENDA

  Hey, Helen.

  HELEN

  What are you doing here?

  BRENDA

  I was invited by Keith.

  HELEN

  Oh…him. Mr. Wonderful.

  BRENDA

  He should be back in a moment. He was looking for a photo album.

  HELEN

  Which one?

  BRENDA

  I think the one with the pictures of us when you still worked at The Canyon.

  HELEN

  Why?

  BRENDA

  I don’t know. Conversation piece?

  HELEN

  He’s up to something.

  JEANINE

  Yes, what evil plans he must have with the family photo album? God help us if he finds the ones of you during that retro hairstyle phase.

  BRENDA

  (To HELEN) How’s his last treatment treating you?

  HELEN

  I can’t win. I can’t win with him.

  BRENDA

  What’s wrong now?

  JEANINE

  (Whispered) What isn't wrong with her.

  HELEN

  It’s too much. I can’t have him intelligent. I can’t have him sexual. Now, I can’t have him care about me.

  BRENDA

  He always cared about you.

  HELEN

  Not enough…and now too much.

  BRENDA

  Helen, what’s wrong?

  HELEN looks around the corner.

  BRENDA (CONT.)

  Helen!

  HELEN

  He won’t shut up. He won’t leave alone. He won’t let me have one moment of silence before asking me question after question after question.

  BRENDA

  About what?

  JEANINE

  Everything.

  HELEN

  “What’s your favorite color”, or “How many boyfriends have you had”, or “Why did Tommy pick on you so much in kindergarten?” Every question I answer, he has ten more to ask. It’s driving me crazy! Now he’s talking on the phone all day with my friends. Not our friends, my friends.

  BRENDA

  I guess I never really considered myself his friend. I didn’t know I was allowed to.

  HELEN

  You’re not.

  BRENDA

  Well…

  JEANINE

  Don't feel bad. I'm not allowed to make friends either.

  HELEN

  Brenda, it's not like that. Keith, when he was normal, that’s okay. Right now he’s going crazy. I need all the allies I can get.

  BRENDA

  I’m always on your side. Is Keith really that bad?

  HELEN

  Yes!

  BRENDA

  Then why don’t you tell Dr. Devereau to change him again?

  HELEN

  She’s in Canada.

  JEA
NINE

  And I was really looking forward to serving her my new specialty; Cajun-seasoned clam chowder.

  BRENDA

  Really? Then…you could always dump Keith.

  HELEN

  After all this? No, oh no! He’s mine, for better or worse.

  KEITH enters with a photo album, surprising HELEN.

  KEITH

  Thank you, babe! That’ makes me feel so good to hear you say that.

  JEANINE

  (Whispered) And until death do you part.

  BRENDA

  Find the pictures?

  KEITH

  You bet I did. Thanks Jeanine. They were right where you told me they would be. Helen, you want to look through these with us?

  HELEN

  No.

  KEITH

  Come on. It’ll be fun.

  HELEN

  I said no.

  KEITH

  (Whispers) Are you feeling alright?

  HELEN

  I’m fine! I don’t want to look at pictures.

  KEITH

  Okay, you don’t have to. You’ll stay here with us though, right?

  HELEN

  Sure.

  KEITH

  Cool. Hey Brenda, tell me about this one.

  KEITH opens the photo album and flips the pages till HE finds a particular photo.

  BRENDA

  Oh, that was…I almost forgot. I was so drunk.

  KEITH

  You look it, but in a good way.

  BRENDA

  Thanks. You’re lying, but thanks. That was…over ten years ago. God! Helen, you remember that night at the Porch Light?

  HELEN

  A little.

  BRENDA

  There were so many guys hitting on us. I don’t think we paid for one drink.

  JEANINE

  It's nice to be at that age where everything's still pointing up.

  KEITH

  What’s Helen wearing?

  BRENDA

  A t-shirt and pants?

  JEANINE

  And the cutest little thong that ever saw the light of day.

  KEITH

  I’ve never seen her wear pants before.

  BRENDA

  That was back when we still had butts to show off.

  KEITH

  And a t-shirt?

  JEANINE

  And no bras?

  BRENDA

  Nope, no bras.

  HELEN

  No! We were wearing--

  HELEN looks at the photo and realizes the truth.

  HELEN (CONT.)

  Oh my god.

  KEITH

  Must have been cold that night.

  HELEN

  Give me that.

  JEANINE

  Spoil-sport.

  KEITH protects the album from HELEN’s grasp.

  KEITH

  No.

  BRENDA

  Don’t be ashamed. He’s seen you naked before.

  JEANINE

  And I've seen the both of you naked together.

  ALL look at JEANINE.

  JEANINE (CONT.)

  Well...close your doors if you don't want the world to see!

  HELEN

  Keith, give me the book!

  KEITH

  I can’t.

  HELEN

  Why not?

  SFX: cellular phone rings.

  KEITH answers the phone, but hands the book to BRENDA to guard it.

  KEITH

  Hey, Meredith.

  HELEN

  Meredith? Meredith who?

  KEITH

  Your mother. (to phone) Were you able to get reservations?

  HELEN

  My mother?!?

  KEITH

  (to HELEN) Shhh. (to phone) Good! Yeah, we’re free then I think. (to HELEN) Helen, are we free tomorrow night?

  HELEN

  What are you doing talking to my mother?

  KEITH

  (to phone) I think we’re free. Yeah, I’ll wear a tux even…I promise…I’ll try not to flex too much. Deal?

  HELEN

  (to BRENDA) What is he doing?

  BRENDA shakes HER head.

  JEANINE

  Committing suicide by crazy girlfriend, I'd say.

  KEITH

  See you then. Bye-bye Meredith.

  KEITH hangs up the cellular phone.

  KEITH (CONT.)

  You like Cantonese, right?

  HELEN

  What are you doing talking to my mother?

  KEITH

  Setting up a dinner with your folks. Did I do something wrong?

  HELEN

  You don’t even know my parents! I’ve never even introduced you to them!

  KEITH

  I know. I’m blaming it on your fear of commitment. Just kidding. No, I found Meredith’s number in your address book.

  HELEN

  Why were you looking for her number?

  KEITH

  So I could plan a dinner with them.

  HELEN

  Why did you do that?

  KEITH

  I wouldn’t feel right about being with you if they didn’t consent to it.

  JEANINE

  Hah!

  BRENDA

  Your mom’s going to see Keith in person?

  BRENDA laughs.

  HELEN

  Shut up, Brenda!

  BRENDA

  Maybe you should pass him off as an astronomer again.

  JEANINE

  And show them his oversized telescope.

  KEITH

  You think that would work? Nah, I wouldn’t feel right lying to Meredith like that.

  HELEN

  Her name to you is Ms. Crandall!

  KEITH

  But she asked me to call her Meredith.

  HELEN

  When?

  KEITH

  Lunch, yesterday. She took me to this really good French restaurant down on--

  HELEN

  WHAT?

  BRENDA

  I’ll leave you two love birds alone. Bye Keith, and good luck.

  KEITH

  Thanks Brenda. You're always thinking of others.

  JEANINE

  I'll show you the way out. (Whispered) Don't want to be a witness when this bloodbath starts.

  BRENDA and JEANINE exit.

  KEITH

  What’s wrong, Helen?

  HELEN

  Who else have you been talking to?

  KEITH

  I talked to Meredith and Bill, your cousin Jamie, uhh…Your uncle Thomas. You never told me you had relatives in the army.

  HELEN

  Why are you talking to my family at all?

  KEITH

  I’m sorry. I’m just learning all I can about you.

  HELEN

  Why?

  KEITH

  I want to make you happy. If I know more about you, then perhaps we’ll…

  Beat.

  HELEN

  What?

  Beat.

  KEITH

  I wanted to wait till dinner with your folks, but…

  KEITH gets down on one knee and holds HELEN’s hand.

  KEITH

  Helen…

  HELEN

  What the hell are you doing?

  KEITH gets out a ring box.

  KEITH

  Will you marry me?

  Beat.

  HELEN

  Are you…are you crazy? Are you completely out of your mind?!?

  KEITH

  Out of my mind for you. Come on, Helen. You know we’re meant for each other.

  HELEN

  I don’t think so!

  KEITH

  You afraid? That’s cool. Meredith said she was too afraid to marry your father right away.

  HELEN

  Huh?

  KEITH

  Bill had to propose to her three times before she said “yes”. I was hoping you’d say
it right away.

  HELEN

  I...what…you…

  KEITH

  I've already planned most of the wedding. I booked the park for August, the one with the gazebo you always like looking at. Invitations are filled out and waiting to be mailed. One of the city's best wedding planners Rupert Moore is already setting up a line of bridal dresses for you to look at. I like the one with sequins, but I'm still hoping Rupert find something a little whiter. All that's left is for you to say "yes". So what do you say, babe?

  HELEN is in shock.

  KEITH (CONT.)

  Helen, say what’s in your heart.

  HELEN

  Where’s that damn letter?!?

  HELEN looks through the books on the shelves.

  KEITH

  What letter?

  HELEN

  What letter. You’ll know what letter I’m looking for soon enough!

  KEITH

  Please, babe. You don’t have to be like this. Your uncle Thomas said he’d give you a boat as a wedding gift. Think about it. Out on the beach on our boat with the kids doing flips off the bow.