The Great Carbuncle Read online

CHILLINGWORTH

  It's simple mechanics. I don't even think it qualifies as basic architecture.

  DE VERE

  Nevertheless, I thank you just the same.

  HANNAH

  (to DE VERE) Got your tent up?

  DE VERE

  Indeed we did. Our guide Mr. Seeker informed us that provisions shall be passed out soon, so here we are. Mind if we join you?

  JOHN

  It's a free world.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  Hardly. Everything has its price.

  CHILLINGWORTH sits down next to MATTHEW on the opposite side from HANNAH.

  DE VERE

  Are there no seats or logs or rocks to sit on? Directly on the wet ground then?

  JOHN

  It won't hurt you.

  DE VERE

  No, but I fear it might stain my attire. Oh, well. When in Rome...

  DE VERE lays down HIS coat and sits next to CHILLINGWORTH.

  MATTHEW

  See, it ain't that bad.

  PIGGSNORTO (OS)

  Fuggedaboutit. We got the tent up. What's the problem?

  PIGGSNORTO and CACAPHODEL enter.

  CACAPHODEL

  Oh, I simply wish I could have been more helpful is all. These arthritic digits of mine get me into so much trouble these days.

  HANNAH

  Are you okay, Doctor?

  CACAPHODEL

  I'll be quite alright.

  CACAPHODEL and PIGGSNORTO sit down beside JOHN.

  CACAPHODEL

  It's the drastic change in weather that's affecting me. It's nothing serious.

  PIGGSNORTO

  Yeah, I bet a real fire could cure that.

  DE VERE

  My portable propane cooker is state of the art camping equipment. It does well enough, doesn't it?

  PIGGSNORTO

  Not as good as fire would.

  JOHN

  Hey, I got an idea. We could use two stones and make fire like they used to, before matches.

  PIGGSNORTO

  That...

  PIGGSNORTO smells JOHN.

  PIGGSNORTO

  Seems like you been getting a little stoned yourself.

  HANNAH

  Matthew.

  SEEKER (OS)

  Got the hotdogs and hangers!

  SEEKER enters with a bag full of hotdogs and a handful of coat hangers.

  PIGGSNORTO

  Good. I was almost hungry.

  DE VERE

  Are we really going to eat common hotdogs impaled upon wires?

  SEEKER

  You can hold it in your hand over the cooker if you want to.

  DE VERE

  It might cook more thoroughly if we use the pan that came with the device.

  SEEKER

  Who ever heard of goin’ campin’ and cookin’ hotdogs on a pan? I swear.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  ( to SEEKER) Lose your way?

  SEEKER

  Huh? No, I didn't get lost. You crazy? I grew up in these woods. There ain't a single twig I haven't given a name to.

  DE VERE

  Yet you still haven't discovered the Great Carbuncle.

  SEEKER

  Yeah. Still looking for it.

  SEEKER hands out the hangers, and ALL begin to straighten them out.

  CACAPHODEL

  Seeker?

  SEEKER

  Yeah?

  CACAPHODEL

  Seeing as how your business advertises the Great Carbuncle so much, I was wondering if you had actually seen the gem in question.

  SEEKER

  I did.

  CACAPHODEL

  How closely?

  SEEKER

  What? No, not up close. I've seen it's light, though.

  JOHN

  What's it like, man?

  SEEKER

  It's like the sky's on fire. It burns just as bright as the sun, like it's daytime again. If you see it early enough, you can get a good guess to where it is. But you have to be quick, 'cause soon it gets so bright your eyes can't see nothin' else. Then there's the thunder.

  HANNAH

  Is there any lightning?

  SEEKER

  Nope, just thunder, but it gets loud. Then when you think it can't get any brighter, it goes away...like nothin' ever happened. Birds and bugs start singing again, and all goes back to the way it was. But you're changed forever, and you're never gonna be the same again.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  I seriously doubt you ever experienced such an event. Your credulity is minimal, considering that I suspect from your odor that you inhale mind-altering substances.

  SEEKER

  I was twelve...and I was only drunk.

  CACAPHODEL

  You've been searching for this legendary gem your whole life?

  SEEKER

  Yep. Been goin' on too many years to count. I hear stories about people getting near it. I even heard one fellow actually touched the damn thing. Burned his hands clean off.

  HANNAH

  Eww!

  DE VERE

  Indeed.

  SEEKER

  That’s why I got me a special bag. When I do find it, you won’t see me burning my hand off.

  SEEKER shows bag with a rope tie. Although made by a mountain man, it looks impressive and somewhat expensive.

  CACAPHODEL

  Insulated with an interwoven metal interior. This should protect you somewhat.

  SEEKER

  It should. Yet...

  JOHN

  Yet what?

  SEEKER

  Anyone who gets close to it usually ends up lost, or some blizzard comes in, or--

  CHILLINGWORTH

  Or some other disaster falls upon the traveler or travelers, like an early winter storm?

  JOHN

  Woah. There's a winter storm coming here this way man. Does that mean we're close?

  Beat.

  PIGGSNORTO

  What is he, stupid or something?

  SEEKER

  We're not close. I've been on these here trails over a hundred times.

  HANNAH

  Where did you see it?

  SEEKER

  I've been thinkin' on that for forty years. I ain't got no clue.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  How inconvenient.

  MATTHEW

  Hey, Seeker.

  SEEKER

  Yeah?

  MATTHEW

  You've been looking for this Great Carbuncle for a long time, right?

  SEEKER

  Yeah. Built my failin' business on it.

  MATTHEW

  So what you going to do with it when you do? I mean, I guessing you're going to still look for it after your business is gone.

  The air becomes noticeably colder for ALL.

  SEEKER

  I've had many ideas on how to spend it, but...I've been lookin' for that stone for so long, nothin' I've ever thought up was better than findin' it. Guess I'll die right then and there when I do find it. How about you, Matthew? How would the Robins spend it?

  MATTHEW

  Well...I'd leave that to Hannah, because I have all I ever wanted.

  HANNAH

  Really?

  MATTHEW

  It's true. I got a good wife, a nice house, and hopefully a job coming soon. I'm getting all I ever wanted.

  JOHN

  Righteous.

  HANNAH

  That's so sweet. I'd get a new Cadillac. You know, something to show off to the whole neighborhood, so they'd know how rich I was.

  PIGGSNORTO

  I'd spend it too, but I know something about diamonds, and I wouldn't get ripped off like the rest of you's. I'd tell everyone in the world about it, set up an auction, and live like the godfather of Sicily. But, hey...

  PIGGSNORTO stands and drops HIS wire.

  PIGGSNORTO

  I'm smart like that. I gotta go find a tree that looks like a toile
t.

  SEEKER

  Little boy's room is that way for the night.

  PIGGSNORTO

  Whatever.

  PIGGSNORTO exits.

  SEEKER

  Hope he bends over a nest of copperheads. Well, we're ready for dinner now.

  SEEKER takes PIGGSNORTO's seat, then passes the bag of hotdogs around. ALL put the hotdogs on the hangers and hold it over the propane heater.

  JOHN

  I know what I'd do, man.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  Please tell us, oh wise immaterialist, what would you do with a priceless gem like the Great Carbuncle?

  JOHN

  When I see that red crystal in my mind's eye, I see something so beautiful. If I find it, my spirit would fuse with the Great Carbuncle, and I'd write poems not of this world. Magic like that has no price.

  DE VERE

  What would you do, keep it in your pocket?

  DE VERE laughs.

  JOHN

  Yeah.

  Beat.

  DE VERE

  Are you serious? A stone worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, and you'd keep it in your pocket?

  JOHN

  Yeah.

  DE VERE

  That's absurd! The Great Carbuncle, if it indeed does exist, deserves to be surrounded by the treasures of great kings and kingdoms, not to be packed in a hemp-sewn jacket alongside a journal of amateurish poetry.

  JOHN

  Is that what you would do with it, man? Lock it up?

  DE VERE

  I most certainly would!

  HANNAH

  You wouldn't sell it?

  DE VERE

  Heaven's no! I'd file it as my legal property under English law and force those who wish to see it to pay a respectable fee.

  JOHN

  Man, you're...you're part of the problem. You can't rent out a gift from Mother Earth.

  DE VERE

  Why not? Am I being too ridiculous? Dr. Cacaphodel, you'd do the same, wouldn't you?

  CACAPHODEL

  Actually...No, but I believe you'll all approve of what plans I have in store for the Great Carbuncle.