The Great Carbuncle Read online

HANNAH

  Matthew!

  MATTHEW (OS)

  Yeah, Hannah, we're back, but we've got men down.

  MATTHEW enters carrying DE VERE. SEEKER and JOHN follow. JOHN looks almost frozen to death and soaked, and DE VERE is that plus delusional.

  HANNAH runs to MATTHEW and tries to kiss HIM.

  MATTHEW

  Whoa. Stop, sweetie. Go get some blankets for Edward here.

  HANNAH

  Okay. Right. Blankets.

  HANNAH exits.

  SEEKER

  Get de Vere's stove over here.

  CACAPHODEL

  It's out of fuel.

  SEEKER

  Son of a bitch!

  PIGGSNORTO

  What happened?

  MATTHEW sits down DE VERE next to CACAPHODEL, who shares HIS blanket. JOHN sits down next to CHILLINGWORTH, who simply gives HIS blanket.

  CACAPHODEL

  He has hypothermia. They both do. Keep their chest covered and let their appendages freeze if you must. The heart must be warmed before the body can adjust to a rapid change of temperature.

  CACAPHODEL starts rubbing DE VERE's chest and back.

  DE VERE

  Oh, you're tickling me, mummy. Please stop.

  PIGGSNORTO

  I'll say it again. What happened?

  MATTHEW

  We found a place in the river frozen over. I didn't want to cross it, but Edward here said he knew good ice when he saw it, being from England and all. So--

  SEEKER

  He jumped on the ice before we could stop him, and the dumbass fell through. Then John jumped in to save him, and Matthew and me had to pull the both of them out.

  JOHN

  I coul...couldn't let him die. The river would've killed him.

  SEEKER

  And you almost died too, stupid.

  PIGGSNORTO

  I'm surrounded by strunzes.

  SEEKER

  Oh, shut up.

  HANNAH enters and puts a blanket on DE VERE.

  HANNAH

  Here you go. It's Matthew and mine's blanket.

  PIGGSNORTO

  (to SEEKER) You telling me to shut up? You put us in this situation.

  SEEKER

  You sayin' it's all my fault? I wasn't the one who said to we had to cross that bridge in the first place. I told you it wasn't safe!

  PIGGSNORTO

  If it was so dangerous, then you could've told me "No, go another way", but you said it was okay. So it's all your fault.

  SEEKER

  It hadn't fallen for fifty years until your ugly face looked at it!

  MATTHEW

  Both of you, shut yer traps! If you're not the solution, then yer part of the problem.

  DE VERE

  Oh, I was always superb at solving word puzzles in the Sunday paper...

  HANNAH

  Doctor, should we put him in the tent?

  CACAPHODEL

  After I've warmed his torso, then we'll relocate him.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  I believe John is well enough to retire for the night.

  JOHN

  No, I...I want...to stay till he's better.

  CACAPHODEL

  Your continued presence here will do more harm to you than it will help Lord de Vere.

  JOHN

  I'm staying.

  CHILINGWORTH

  I'm sure he appreciates your misplaced comradery.

  SEEKER

  Ain't my fault.

  PIGGSNORTO

  What did you say?

  SEEKER

  This ain't my fault.

  HANNAH

  Don't worry. We're not blaming you.

  CHILLINGWORTH

  I somewhat am.

  SEEKER

  And how's that?

  CHILLINGWORTH

  Your refusal of refunds in the face of this disastrous weather condition is affecting my judgment on the matter.

  SEEKER

  I don't have your money anymore, you ass! I'm going out of business! You could've not went with me, but you did. You all did. I didn't know it was goin' to get this bad.

  PIGGSNORTO

  You didn't care, you greedy bastard!

  SEEKER

  What's the matter? Now you're afraid of a little ice and snow? Didn't seem like such a big deal before you saw your bridge fall down, now did it?

  PIGGSNORTO

  I didn't know I was being led by a toothless, drunk old hillbilly 'till now!

  MATTHEW

  I said shut it!

  SEEKER

  (to PIGGSNORTO) You leave me the hell alone, you city slickin' wop!

  PIGGSNORTO punches SEEKER, and THEY get into a brawl. MATTHEW tries to break it up, but PIGGSNORTO lands a good punch on MATTHEW.

  HANNAH

  Matthew!

  MATTHEW rubs HIS jaw, then the rage flows from HIS eyes. HE grabs PIGGSNORTO by the collar and hits HIM so hard PIGGSNORTO loses balance and falls on the ground.

  SEEKER

  Thanks, brother--

  MATTHEW punches SEEKER just as hard, and SEEKER falls to the ground. HANNAH grabs a hold of MATTHEW before another punch is thrown.